


When the World Ends

by Bemused_Writer



Category: CLAMP - Works, X -エックス- | X/1999
Genre: Angst and Tragedy, Background Character Death, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Apocalypse, Pre-Slash to Slash, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23196223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bemused_Writer/pseuds/Bemused_Writer
Summary: Judgment Day arrives and the ultimate victory goes to the Dragons of Earth. Thinking Kamui dead, Subaru whisks him away in the hopes of giving him a final burial. When it turns out that there's still some life in him, his plans are changed.Can Subaru help Kamui despite the odds? Is it even possible to move on from such a tragedy when there's nothing waiting over the horizon?Takes place after the final chapter ofX/1999.
Relationships: Shirou Kamui/Sumeragi Subaru
Comments: 42
Kudos: 59





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've chosen not to use archive warnings on this mostly because I'm not sure if any will apply. Given the nature of _X/1999,_ I feel like there should be something? I don't know. 
> 
> However, there will likely be some plot-relevant sexual content in future chapters, but everyone will be of age at that point. There will be referenced violence, likely somewhat graphic. I will update the tags as the story continues and mark any major archive warnings if they become relevant, so please do read them.
> 
> Onwards with the story!

The other Kamui lifted his sword high and Subaru watched in horror as he pierced Kamui right through the heart. The deadened calm of his heart suddenly lurched; Kamui was never supposed to _die_. He’d simply wanted to remain out of the battle, wanted a break from _existing_ , but never this.

Kamui’s eyes widened. Blood gurgled from his lips. The light in his eyes slowly dimmed, eyes that Subaru had seen look at him with so many emotions: fear, sorrow, kindness, warmth. And now they would never show any of that again. There was silence as everyone took a moment to process what had just happened.

“A pity,” the other Kamui finally murmured. “I had so hoped you would fulfill my wish.”

Yuzuriha was the one who reacted first and, with a cry of rage, she launched herself into the fray. The rest soon followed. It was difficult seeing the Dragons of Heaven fight so valiantly only to be pushed aside by the other Kamui as if they were merely slinging paper at him. He dodged with an effortless grace that reminded Subaru of another man who had fought so well. Thankfully, there were no illusions as to who this really was anymore, but it was still ... difficult to witness.

Yuzuriha was the most skilled fighter, oddly, but even she was having a hard time. No one was paying any attention to Subaru. He figured that was for the best.

Rather than get anymore involved, he carefully maneuvered the rubble, ignoring parties on both sides, and crouched by Kamui’s prone body feeling curiously numb yet strangely… upset.

He hadn’t been able to help him, after all. He’d brought him back from his dream and for what? So he could die without ever fulfilling his wish? That… wasn’t what was supposed to happen.

Granted, Subaru had long since given up on the world being fair, but Kamui… He was a good person. He’d done nothing to deserve any of this except be born under an unfortunate star.

“Kamui…” It was just so terribly sad. He shouldn't be able to care still, but the sheer wrongness of the situation grated at him, propelled him into some kind of action. He had to do something, even if it was too late.

Subaru glanced about swiftly only to see that the battle yet raged on, probably the last one. Confident he wouldn’t be noticed right away, he carefully cradled Kamui in his arms and sprinted away. He wasn’t sure what he intended to do, exactly; he only knew he wasn’t about to leave Kamui’s body in a war torn section of the city where he would inevitably be buried by rubble.

Wind whistled in his ears as he leaped from building to building, trying to find a good location. He eventually hid them in a deserted park surrounded by trees. It was calm, restful. Kotori-san had also been buried amidst trees; Kamui would likely want the same. _Maybe I should try to bury them side-by side._

His mournful musings were cut short by a sudden explosion that erupted near the center of the city. The earth began to rumble, shake, large cracks split through the ground, and, to Subaru's awe and horror, several large dragons rose with mighty roars that deafened the entire area. Subaru could feel his ears pop and he winced in pain.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured to his silent companion, eyes wide as he gazed above. It was actually happening; humanity would be obliterated.

Even through his numbness, he felt regret, especially for the young man currently in his arms. This was everything Kamui had fought against and Subaru had done absolutely nothing to help him in his final moment of need. He closed his eyes sorrowfully; he really had only been thinking of himself for so long now. He’d chosen a poor time for it, he supposed.

He held Kamui’s body close, murmuring apologies as the world dissolved about them. He was unsurprised to hear several car crashes and the shouts of people as they tried to escape.

Then, to his shock, Kamui feebly turned his head. His eyes were glazed over and Subaru had to put his hand directly beneath Kamui’s nose to detect even the faintest indication he was breathing.

There were several more explosions; the sky was black with smoke and the din of the huge dragons could not be ignored.

“S…Su—“

He couldn't hear the words so much as see them being formed. It took him a moment, but his senses finally caught up with him and he immediately shrugged off his coat, tore off several long strips, removed Kamui’s shirt, and began wrapping the makeshift bandages about him.

“Shh,” he said when Kamui’s mouth moved again as he clearly tried to annunciate Subaru’s name. “Save your strength. You’ll be all right.”

He supposed he could now label himself a liar along with everything else. The other Kamui’s blow had been lethal; he’d had no intention of sparing him. This was surely some bizarre fluke and now there wasn’t a hospital Subaru could drag him to to fix the damage, and he certainly couldn’t take him to the Dragons of Heaven; they were _losing_ and that was partially Subaru’s fault as well and--

He’d have to take him to his apartment for now. He didn’t have any obligations to the Dragons of Earth and he didn’t particularly care what happened next, but he couldn’t bring himself to simply let Kamui die. Not that there was a truly unforeseen chance to rectify that.

Once he had the bandages wrapped about him as well as he could, he picked him up and moved with as much haste as he felt was safe. Kamui let out the faintest pained moan at any jostling, and Subaru internally winced at how medically inadvisable all of this was, but there wasn’t anything else he could _do_.

Once he reached the apartment, his heart sank as a mighty roar shattered all the windows before he’d even entered. Kamui let out a cry of pain as Subaru collapsed with tight groan. A large, serpentine head slammed through the complex and continued down the street, slithering and flapping its mighty wings as it went. People dashed out of their homes, shrieking in despair and confusion, and Subaru had to rethink his plan now.

His breathing accelerated as he tried to consider his options; Tokyo was falling. Staying in the city would be madness.

Weakly, Kamui reached up and clutched his shoulder.

“It’s all right; I’ll figure something out,” Subaru murmured.

Kamui shook his head slightly and pointed downwards. Confused, Subaru followed the indication, but all he could see was cracked pavement and people hustling past.

“I don’t follow… the ground?”

Kamui nodded tightly, his eyes clenched shut against the deathly visage roaring above them.

“Underground!” Subaru realized. But that was easier said than done. He couldn’t very well go into one of the subways; that would be far too dangerous and they could end up trapped underground that way.

He dodged the swarms of people as he ran about with no real destination in mind; his only goal was to get through this.

 _The Dragons of Earth will decimate anything related to humanity,_ he thought frantically. _They want to preserve the natural world._

Kamui coughed, then choked on some blood. Subaru tilted his head so he could spit it out. He needed to think faster than this!

_Something natural, mostly unaffected by people…_

There were some caves, largely ignored by most people, on the edges of Tokyo by the coast. He’d have to go there.

He left amidst ungodly roars, cries of panic, and smoke.

* * *

Of course, once they’d reached the caves, there was still the matter of Kamui’s bleeding. He placed him in the recovery position and leaned back on his haunches, trying to figure out what he was supposed to do now, exactly. Kamui was no longer in any danger of being demolished by dragons, but he was still bleeding out and his rudimentary attempt at bandaging him wasn’t going to cut it for long. The truly miraculous part about all of this was that Kamui wasn’t dead already.

He supposed that was thanks to his abilities _as_ the Kamui; slightly faster healing, slightly higher constitution. Most men would have died after the various other injuries the other Kamui had inflicted upon him over the course of their many battles.

Right now, that was the only hope he had that he would come through.

“I’m not going to be able to rummage for supplies until they stop,” Subaru murmured. They each knew what he meant by “they.”

“I-I know,” Kamui forced out.

“Shush,” Subaru responded gently. Kamui was shaking now; no doubt he was going into shock. Well, he didn’t have a blanket to help him, but he’d have to keep him warm somehow.

He lied down behind him and wrapped his arms about him. He really was freezing; Subaru shivered at the contact. He clutched Kamui’s hands and began rubbing them between his own. He could smell the scent of iron strongly in the air and feel Kamui’s violent shivers run through him as if they were his own.

“Why?” Kamui asked. His voice was terribly faint. Subaru frowned at that and the question both.

“I could no longer make a kekkai,” he explained. “Furthermore, the other Kamui … told me Seishirou-san’s last wish.” There was no need to get into that any further with how things stood now. “That bestowal and the loss of my ability to form a kekkai changed my role from Heaven to Earth. I had no intention of helping them nor of hindering them.” He would understand if Kamui was furious with him for that; it was his right.

“N-no, why _this?_ ”

Subaru held him a little closer and tilted his head to get a better look at his face. His eyes were closed in pain and his lips were utterly white; his state was poor, but there was no dismissing his question. He felt a pang of hurt that Kamui would even wonder why he was helping him. Subaru may have left, but he didn't... He didn't wish Kamui _harm._

“Because I—“

_You care about the Kamui. Not me—the other one._

Was he even capable of caring about anything anymore? He’d told the other Kamui there wasn’t anything left for him, and yet here he was trying to help someone.

“I didn’t want to see you die like that,” he finished quietly. “I never meant for you to… I’m sorry.”

Kamui didn’t say anything. Subaru couldn’t blame him.

* * *

It was a difficult bout of time and Subaru had no idea how long it took for the Dragons of Earth to move on from Tokyo. He clung to Kamui, wondering if he would live through the day or if his efforts would prove for naught.

But eventually the roar of the Dragons of Earth calmed and there was eerie silence. Kamui had been drifting in and out of sleep—Subaru had to continually wake him up—but the silence got his attention immediately. Subaru could tell because his lips thinned in pain. Subaru shifted slightly so he could take in their surroundings. The ocean had calmed somewhat and the air felt cooler. He could smell dust and petroleum heavy in the air and he closed his eyes, knowing what it entailed.

Kamui shifted slightly in his arms. Subaru ran a hand down his arm in an attempt to comfort him. “It’s over?” he whispered.

“I believe so,” Subaru responded with some concern. What happened now?

He was unsurprised to see tears forming in the corner of Kamui's eyes. He tried to wipe them away, but he turned his head and said, “You need to get supplies." It was an odd, heavy tone he'd never used with him before. Subaru glanced at him worriedly. This had to be a difficult revelation, but he had his face angled so Subaru could no longer see what was written on it.

“I’ll be as swift as I can.”

“Right.”

When he left the cave and maneuvered himself back onto ground level, his heart sank.

Tokyo was utterly flattened. He couldn’t make out a single standing building for miles. Worst of all, there weren’t any people.

Searching for supplies was going to be nigh impossible. Still, it was all he had left to do; there were hardly any other matters he needed to attend to.

As he reached what appeared to be the epicenter of Tokyo, he set to looking for the remains of a drug store of any kind.

“So, you’re still alive.”

Subaru turned towards the voice to see the other Kamui there. His face was carefully blank. Subaru subtly shifted his stance into something a little more defensive. 

“I must admit, I’m a touch surprised,” he continued calmly as he leapt to Subaru’s side. Subaru resisted the urge to step away from him. If the other Kamui wanted to kill him and his patient, there was hardly anything he could do about it at this point, and yet some part of him knew he would try anyway. What had gotten into him?

“What do you intend to do?” Subaru demanded.

The other Kamui arched a brow at him. “You’re a little livelier than the last time I saw you. And you have a new wish. Interesting.”

“Please answer the question.” He was too tired for this.

“Nothing,” the other Kamui replied. “I know he is still alive as well. The other Kamui, that is. But it’s too late for him to fulfill my wish and he has lost, quite thoroughly. Are you sure it was kind to rescue him like that?” He smirked. “He might not feel that way.”

“I didn’t realize—“ Subaru bit his lip and looked away. Perhaps admitting he’d thought Kamui was dead when he’d whisked him away was unwise.

“Ah,” he murmured. “So that’s how it is. I didn’t realize you were the impulsive sort.”

That’s because Subaru wasn’t. Or hadn’t been. He wasn’t entirely sure where he stood on anything at the moment.

“Take these,” the other Kamui continued flippantly. “It’s your wish to help him.” He tossed some medical supplies at him.

“How thoughtful,” Subaru managed with only a touch of bitterness.

“I’m a giver,” the other Kamui chuckled. “I’ll miss the games we played. I wish…” He sighed. “Well, it hardly matters now. Good day, Sakurazukamori.”

He left without another word. Subaru stared at the supplies in his hands and for one, brief moment, felt genuine anger, but it was doused as quickly as all the rest. He had to return to Kamui and feeling anything at all would do nothing to help him.

His choice to rescue the young man plagued him the entire way back, the other Kamui’s words ringing in his ears, the judgment clear: _You’re not helping him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a loose outline for how this is going to go, so updates will be somewhat consistent. I could have waited, but I wanted to share the idea with everyone. :D
> 
> Also, I know that the last chapter we got wasn't supposed to be the final battle, but for the sake of speeding things along a little bit, I decided to treat it as if it was. Hopefully that works okay for readers. ^^


	2. Chapter 2

When he finally returned to Kamui’s side, it was to find he’d sat up partially. His frame was hunched over and he was breathing heavily and his arms were shaking, but he was moving all the same, forcing himself through the pain. His eyes were wide with terror and Subaru's heart stopped for a moment, fearing for a moment that Kamui's mind was more damaged than he'd thought.

But as Kamui continued to struggle, Subaru's instincts finally kicked in and he rushed over to gently but firmly push him onto his back with the exclamation, “What are you doing?” 

Kamui immediately relaxed now that Subaru was in directly in his view and he went down without a fight, though he clutched at Subaru's sleeve tightly. “You were gone too long,” Kamui stuttered. He was _freezing._ “I thought…”

“I was gone only a few minutes,” Subaru replied in a calmer tone of voice. “And I found what we need, so please don’t move any more than you need to.”

“But you were—“

“It was just a few minutes,” he repeated gently. “I’m not going anywhere. I’m right here.” He squeezed his icy hand reassuringly and Kamui finally closed his eyes and gave a tight nod. Oh, this was difficult to witness. Kamui shouldn't want him anywhere near him, not after he'd failed him so abysmally. And he knew that, deep down, Kamui probably was angry with him, but right now Subaru was all he had. He wasn't quite sure what to make of that.

“I’m going to have to undo these bandages and reapply them, all right?” he said, forcing himself to set those worries aside for another time. He'd have a lot of it, after all. He'd need something to preoccupy himself with during long, silent nights.

He tried not to think of how many he had ahead of him.

Kamui gave a shaky nod. “Okay…”

As he removed the bandages, he couldn’t help the wince at the injury in question. It was better--better than it would be on anyone else--but it was still a far cry from being fully healed. Blood immediately gushed forth, streamed down his ashen skin, and that wasn’t promising. What if he was too late? Even if he was the Kamui, he wasn't immortal. _This should have killed him,_ he thought in utter bewilderment.

But Kamui wasn't dead and Subaru was hoping to keep him that way. Desperately, he wracked his brain for any useful first aid he’d learned. It had been ages since he’d taken a course. He remembered he wasn’t supposed to remove the object that caused the wound; it was best to keep it in to staunch the blood flow.

Of course, it was too late for that; the other Kamui had speared him and removed the sword immediately. Hastily, he inspected the wound closer, pressing his fingers about with care. It didn’t appear to be a sucking chest wound, which was no small relief. There also didn't appear to be anything caught in the wound, so he probably didn't have to dig around or clean it much. If Subaru was correct, he simply had to stop the bleeding.

Feeling a little more assured, he took out the bandages and began wrapping them about Kamui’s torso with care.

After he’d gotten them about him snugly he let out a sigh of relief. These would be far more effective than his torn up coat had been. Already Kamui appeared to have a touch more color to his cheeks.

His mental state was another matter entirely, however.

Probably the most immediate concern was Kamui going into shock, though. Still, if he was lifting himself off the ground he had probably moved past that stage. Subaru hoped that’s what it meant.

Unwilling to risk it, he moved back to his side and wrapped his arms about him. Kamui didn’t seem to notice judging by how utterly still he was and the dead look in his eyes.

“How bad is it?” he finally whispered. He was staring blankly up at the cave walls. He had a hand pushed to his chest as he breathed shakily. He was clearly in a great deal of pain even now. Subaru wished he had painkiller but all the options in the bag the other Kamui had given him doubled as blood thinners, which was the last thing he needed right now.

More than anything, he wished he wasn’t the one who had to tell Kamui the truth, but there would be no ignoring current events.

“It’s devastated,” he replied honestly. “Everything is collapsed.”

“And… what about everyone?”

He knew he meant his fellow Dragons of Heaven. “I didn’t see them.”

Kamui’s eyes fluttered closed, his face the very picture of agony. “Subaru…”

“Yes?”

“I want to see.”

“I don’t think that’s wise,” Subaru responded evenly. “You’re still injured.”

Kamui pushed him away. “I want to _see._ I’m going with or without you.”

Apparently, Kamui was telling the truth because he pushed himself up, wincing as he went, but forced himself to continue regardless.

Heaving a silent, weary sigh, Subaru hooked his arms under his and gently pulled him up. Kamui let out a surprised grunt. “I’ll carry you.” Subaru didn’t wait for acquiescence—he doubted he’d be given any—and ducked to get an arm around Kamui’s knees and back.

He instinctively wrapped his arms about Subaru’s neck, his breathing heavy from all the jostling. Subaru let him catch his breath and when he gave a slight nod he reluctantly took him above ground.

The roar of the ocean behind them provided no distraction from the empty environment before them. The horror in Kamui’s eyes as he took the desolation in was difficult to witness. Subaru forced himself to watch; he would not cower from this.

“This is… all that’s left?”

“Of the city, at any rate,” he affirmed.

“What about the rest of Japan?”

“I don’t know.” Subaru had been trying not to think about that or about Kyoto more specifically. What had become of his grandmother?

 _She would be … devastated at what I’ve become._ The hollowness in his heart felt larger than ever. Perhaps it would be kinder for the Dragons of Earth to end her life before she discovered the truth. He’d done nothing but worry her for nine years, and now he was the very thing she hated most.

He closed his eyes tightly, not to escape the reality of Tokyo, but to reorient himself away from those thoughts.

“We have to find out.”

Subaru glanced down at him. His lips trembled and there were tears at the corner of his eyes, but the way he clenched his fists told Subaru everything he needed to know.

Kamui was taking full responsibility for this disaster. He would never move on from this.

“Tell me where you want to go.” It was barely above a whisper, but Kamui heard him loud and clear.

He finally turned his head to look at him and it hurt. He seemed so lost as he searched Subaru’s eyes, now featuring heterochromia. He lifted a hand to the cup his cheek, rubbed his thumb under his eye in silent question, but said nothing as he moved to trace the brown eye in question. Seishirou’s eye.

“You’re staying,” Kamui murmured as he moved his attention to Subaru's own green eye. He looked as if he very much wanted to say something, but was restraining himself. He pulled carefully at his grown-out bangs in an almost hypnotic fashion. Subaru knew his change in appearance must be startling, but Kamui had always kept his peace around Subaru. He didn't deserve it, but he appreciated it.

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“You keep asking me that,” Subaru replied, a touch of melancholy in his inflection.

“I am.” He stared at him, almost challengingly.

Subaru looked away. “It’s the right thing to do.” Perhaps it was a little late to be doing the right thing, but Subaru had never shirked his duty. Not when it really counted. He'd honored his duty to his grandmother, to Tokyo, and to Seishirou-san even if it didn't make sense to anyone but himself.

Kamui withdrew his touch and some starved part of Subaru wished he’d press his hand back to his cheek and never remove it if only so there was some indication he was even still alive.

“I want to see Kotori,” Kamui decided. His eyes still seemed horribly empty, but there was at least some desire still present. 

It wasn’t what he’d expected him to say, though. He nearly asked him if he was quite sure about that; nearly pointed out she wasn’t there.

The hardened, challenging look in his eyes stopped him. Kamui wasn’t insane; he was going to the one place where he knew what to anticipate. He’d had time to accept Kotori’s fate. He hadn’t yet had that for the rest of the Dragons of Heaven.

“All right.” 

“It’s that way,” Kamui pointed. “I can tell.”

Subaru didn’t argue, didn’t say anything at all, merely took off in the direction Kamui indicated and privately prayed that the other Kamui wouldn’t interrupt their journey. He’d need to tell Kamui about him at some point, but he suspected some part of Kamui already knew. He hadn’t said a thing about his twin star, but there was a bond there, unholy though it may be.

Privately, he wondered what this new Earth under the other Kamui would even be like.

“Stop,” Kamui commanded suddenly. “We’re here.”

CLAMP Academy was surprisingly intact with only the nearby buildings largely demolished. Subaru supposed that was due to how much natural flora there was and just how much power the campus truly contained. Even amidst this much disaster parts of it still stood; Subaru could just make out the gazebo he and Kamui used to study under.

It was a fitting location for the first person to fall to this tragic fate. Kotori had been buried beneath the trees, surrounded by life. It was what the Dragons of Earth had hoped to preserve.

Idly, he supposed this would be a good location to find shelter if it weren’t for the memories that haunted the place. He wasn't sure he could suggest it to Kamui, not now, possibly not ever.

He carefully set Kamui down. There was a little more vigor to his movements—a truly miraculous recovery if Subaru were prone to thinking that way—and while he clutched at his side and stumbled slightly, he needed no further help.

“Kotori…” he breathed as he sank to his knees. Subaru maintained a respectful distance. This was Kamui’s private pain. He barely had any business being here to begin with. Even so, it was hard to witness the utter devastation in Kamui's frame, in the world around them. Difficult to accept there was nothing he could do to rectify any of it.

“I failed!” Kamui wailed, loudly and without preamble as he slammed his fist into the firm soil beneath them. “The world you loved is gone and Fuuma is…” With a broken sob he brought his forehead to the earth, prostrating himself before her memory as if she were a god that could forgive him his sins. “Kotori, please…”

But there was no response and Kamui’s pain would not be eased and there was no forgiveness in this world, at least none that Subaru had ever found.

Even so, he closed his eyes and offered up a silent _norito_ asking for strength and good fortune. Perhaps it would help Kamui even if it was the subtlest form of aid, even if good fortune had never been much inclined to help the fallen savior.

When Kamui finally rose to his knees, hands still clutching at the earth, he whispered, “Subaru?”

“Yes?”

“Sit with me.”

His voice warbled slightly and his thin frame was taut with tension. Subaru wondered how close he was to snapping.

He sat next to him, quietly, respectfully. He was surprised when Kamui gripped his hand. He didn’t look at him, but he clung to his hand as if it were his only lifeline. It reminded him of the way Kamui had clutched to him in his dreamscape when they’d first met. It was an unwelcome association because it meant Kamui was placing his hopes on him still even when Subaru was no longer capable of offering much of anything. He certainly couldn’t save anyone.

He gripped Kamui’s hand all the same.

They sat there for a time, looking up at the oak that Kotori was buried beneath. The sun filtered through the leaves and it would have been beautiful if it had been any other day.

“I know they’re gone,” Kamui finally whispered. “I don’t know how, but I can feel it. Coming here… It’s like it confirmed it somehow.”

Subaru looked down at their joined hands. “What will you do?”

Kamui opened his mouth, closed it, and bit his lip. He was still so terribly pale. They would need to find provisions.

“We don’t know that all humans were k- … are gone,” he adjusted. He rubbed at his eyes, wiping away any remainder of tears. Subaru gently stroked his hand, feeling the thick scar there and remained silent. “There might be survivors. It’s my duty to find them.” He said it without hope, only acceptance.

“I see.”

 _It_ is _my job, Hokuto-chan._

If only it were as innocuous as all that. The weight on Kamui’s shoulders was too great; he’d always felt that way. And even now, with the world decimated, he was still trying to do his duty.

Perhaps the Kamui’s job would never be finished.

He wanted to ask what he would do if there _wasn’t_ anyone left, but part of him knew he wouldn’t like the answer. This was all Kamui had left to cling to; he couldn’t tamper with that hope, no matter how misguided it might be.

No one could ever truly understand another’s wish. If this was Kamui’s, then he would accept it.

But there was a sliver of doubt within him that he shoved aside. This couldn’t be Kamui’s wish. He had never realized his true wish according to the other Kamui and as malicious as the man had been, he'd always been brutally honest in that one regard.

Kamui stood and Subaru followed. He had yet to let go of his hand.

Was there any point in Kamui sorting out what it was now?

 _Is there any point to any of it?_ he wondered glumly as he looked up at the fluffy cumulonimbus clouds above them.

“Subaru, I want to look for people, but I don’t know where to start.” He said it like a question, as if he were double checking whether Subaru was really coming with him. Even with his eyes red and swollen from crying, even with the entire world crushed about them, he still had time to wonder if Subaru was there. If Subaru would stay.

“Let’s try Kyoto,” Subaru finally said with some reluctance. “There are several natural landmarks there and… I need to check some things.”

Kamui nodded without hesitation. He didn't look happy, but some of the tension had left his shoulders. Subaru had said the right thing.

“Then let’s go to Kyoto.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A _norito_ is a Shinto prayer. I believe they're also the basis for a lot of Subaru's talismans and chants as well? I'll have to look into that a bit more, but it seemed fitting at any rate. ^^ Let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for some descriptions of death and carnage.

Getting to Kyoto was easier said than done considering the distance. Normally, it was a few hours at most thanks to public transportation. Of course, that was no longer an option and Subaru was left trying to puzzle out if they were really prepared to travel on foot and set up camp along the way for the journey would be several days minimum, there was no getting around that.

Kamui didn’t speak of any trepidation, but he also didn’t argue when he suggested they look for supplies. He'd been remarkably receptive to everything Subaru had to say and had skirted around any serious subjects since his devastation at Kotori's grave.

Luckily, they’d found a rundown shop in Tokyo that was miraculously standing, more or less. If Subaru had to hazard a guess, he would assume it had been a locally owned grocery store. It wasn't particularly large, but it had the bare necessities one needed for day-to-day living. The western wall and been entirely smashed, and while merchandise was strewn all over, it was simple enough to pick through it until they found what they’d needed, which was food with a long shelf life.

By far the hardest part of the entire affair was moving around the crushed corpses strewn about the city. They’d managed to avoid most of that when they’d made their way to CLAMP campus on account of how swiftly Subaru had been traveling. He hadn't allowed them to rest for long in any one spot; he'd been eager to get Kamui to his destination as much as he'd wanted the task finished. Now, they had to actually investigate the city and it wasn’t pretty.

Subaru had had to drag Kamui away from the remains of what was probably a young girl, clutching a teddy bear. Her leg had had been severed and she was missing an eye. She stared up the sky in silent, eternal shock. He didn’t want to think of how awful her final moments must have been and he really didn’t want Kamui thinking about it either.

Even so, he couldn’t shield Kamui from everything. Even within the shop there was the corpse of a middle-aged man slumped over the cashier’s desk, blood trickling down his limp arm. The till was still open. It was alarming how many spirits Subaru could sense throughout Tokyo. He would never be able to put them all to rest, not in his lifetime. He didn't mention this concern to Kamui whose mental state seemed fragile at best.

“What have you found so far?” Subaru asked, not because he didn’t know, but as a diversionary tactic. Kamui kept glancing at the man with wide, disbelieving eyes, as if he might suddenly stand up and demand to know what they were doing stealing his wares. Subaru could have told him that he could sense the man's spirit had departed, that he no longer cared what happened with his shop, but he wasn't sure if that would help or simply remind Kamui the man was decisively dead.

“Um…” Kamui glanced down at the canvas backpack he was filling. He seemed confused at the question.

“The supplies, Kamui,” Subaru reminded softly. “We need them to get to Kyoto.”

“Right.” Kamui shook his head slightly and returned to picking up as many water bottles as he could find. “Food and water are the main thing, right?”

“That’s right. If we could find some sleeping bags that would be ideal. We’ll need to try the store across the … street.” It was a little misleading to call it a “street” on account of how much debris was strewn across it, but he really wasn’t sure what else suited.

“Okay…”

Subaru moved over from where he’d been filling his own bag to crouch next to Kamui who had gone very still. He rested a hand on his shoulder carefully. “Still with me?”

Kamui gave a hard nod. “It just… It hurts. How are you managing all of this?”

Subaru let out a quiet sigh as he thought over the question. “I’m not sure I am,” he admitted at last. “I’ve simply adjusted. ‘My world’ and ‘the world’ haven’t been the same thing for a while.”

“Because of Seishirou?” Kamui asked quietly.

“Yes,” Subaru acknowledged. “Because of Seishirou-san.”

“Then you’re not… upset,” Kamui said dully. “Is that what you mean?”

Subaru resumed filling his bag as he thought over the question. Everything had happened so fast: finding Seishirou-san, killing Seishirou-san, leaving the Dragons of Heaven, joining the Dragons of Earth, the destruction of the Earth… He couldn’t say it didn’t leave him distressed to some degree, but there was also a large part of him that simply didn’t _care._ Whether the world was intact or not did nothing to restore his sister or confirm whether Seishirou-san’s last words held any truth.

“I’m not happy about it,” Subaru settled on. “It brings me no joy to see people suffer like this.” But it didn’t upset him in the way it would have when he was sixteen. He would have mourned back then, would no doubt have crumbled under the suffering of all those people. He would have handled it far worse than Kamui.

Kamui was staring at him as if he were a puzzle he couldn't quite sort. There was something soft and almost fearful in his gaze and Subaru didn't know what to make of that. He wasn't doing anything to make Kamui afraid. Perhaps it was simply their environment. He continued in his movements, smooth and assured.

“Subaru, you’ve been different,” Kamui finally said softly, earnestly. “What happened?”

He stilled. There was only one answer to that question.

_Seishirou-san died._

But Kamui already knew that, already knew he wished he’d died on that bridge with him that day. He meant what had happened after. “Several things,” he stated. “I’d rather not discuss it.”

He didn’t ask what Kamui meant by “different.” No doubt he wondered about Subaru’s eye, his change in hairstyle and clothes, and his inability to behave like a normal human in the face of tragedy. If Subaru were in his place, he’d wonder at that as well.

They returned to collecting supplies in silence, but he didn’t miss the concerned frown on Kamui’s lips or the way he kept glancing at Subaru, as if he were a stranger.

It took a relatively brief amount of time to traverse the other store despite how rundown it was. They were eventually able to find some sleeping bags and Subaru deemed they were about as ready as they could be. 

As he tied their bed-rolls to their backpacks with expert knots, Kamui asked, "What happened to the sacred sword?"

It was as if everything went into slow motion as Subaru was torn back to that too-recent scene where the other Kamui had raised his sword and plunged it straight through Kamui's heart, a manic grin on his face. He hadn't even thought of Kamui's sacred sword when he'd grabbed what he'd thought was his corpse. He hadn't been thinking of much of anything at the time outside of how unfair it was for Kamui to be left there like so much garbage.

"I must have left it," he said, feeling strangely off-kilter. It wasn't like him to forget something so overtly important.

"You mean it's still back... there?"

"Do you want me to fetch it for you?" Subaru was a little hesitant to return to that spot. Surely, the other Kamui would have taken the other sacred sword. At the very least, he was certain that spot counted as his "territory." It might be difficult traversing the location.

"Don't you think we should?" Kamui asked slowly. "It could be useful for something. For defense at the very least."

That was terribly practical of him. Subaru finally gave a reluctant nod. "It should only take me a short amount of time. I'll be back soon."

Kamui unconsciously clutched at his chest with a pained expression. "You don't want me to come with." It wasn't a question.

There was no point lying to him about the matter. "It could be dangerous there. I know it's not ideal; you're the rightful owner--"

"That's not the problem," Kamui stated gruffly. "I don't mind if you touch the sword. It's only..." He stared up at Subaru with such terrible uncertainty in his eyes that Subaru's heart ached for a brief moment.

"I will come back," Subaru promised. "I wouldn't leave you here. I'm the one who wanted to go to Kyoto in the first place, remember?"

He continued to search his eyes, looking for something. Whatever it was, he seemed to find it for he gave a slight nod. "I'll finish with the supplies here then. Hurry back," he finished quietly, sounding much fragiler than Subaru would have liked.

* * *

Thankfully, the sword was precisely where he'd thought it would be more or less. It was lying amid the ruined city, glinting in the sunlight, standing resolutely from where it was wedged between debris. As Subaru approached, he felt very much like his ability to pick up the sword would rest on ... something. He wondered if he would pass the test and then he wondered when he'd taken to flights of fancy. The sword _was_ sacred, but others had wielded it before the Kamui, no matter how briefly.

Even so, he crouched before it. "I'm here to return you to your master," he said calmly. "May you serve him well."

He felt an almost approving aura from the sword, but when he picked it up it felt much like any other sword would: cool to the touch and rather heavy.

This sword carried the wishes of so many people, of Kamui, his mother, his aunt, and all the Dragons of Heaven. It was a heavy weight in every sense of the meaning and he didn't envy Kamui it.

"Let's go."

* * *

He'd been worried Kamui may have worked himself into a state while he was away as he had that first time back in the cave, but Kamui was seated on a small stool and was calmly staring out into the distance. His mien seemed almost untroubled and if it weren't for the bodies lying about, Subaru could almost believe he was unbothered; happy.

"Your sword." He presented it to him with both hands.

"It was there," he whispered in surprise. "I almost thought it wouldn't be."

Subaru nodded; he had thought much the same.

Kamui took the sword from him with steady hands. He raised it upright and studied the markings upon it with sorrow.

"How should we get to Kyoto?" he said as he lowered the sword. There was an surety to him that hadn't been there before and Subaru was suddenly very glad he'd run this task.

“I think we should simply follow the Tomei Expressway,” Subaru finally determined after studying the map they'd scrounged along with the rest of their materials. “It would be the swiftest way by car if we had one. It’s no doubt the swiftest on foot as well.”

Kamui didn't say anything as he struggled with the backpack and sword both, determined to get them both in place. He had to put the sword down to sling the backpack over his shoulders and he let out a grunt of pain as he straightened out.

"You shouldn't strain yourself so much," Subaru pointed out, stepping forward. "That is much too heavy for someone who has only recently recovered." 

"It's fine," Kamui said with only a touch of irritation. "Like you said, I've recovered. I don't want to be a burden."

"You're not a burden," Subaru said firmly. "It's no trouble for me to carry both bags."

Kamui gave him a look. It was not a look he was used to being on the receiving end of from Kamui. Subaru frowned, but ultimately allowed the matter to rest. He still had his reservations, but for now he’d settle for keeping an eye on him. If Kamui appeared strained, he would take the bag from him. The sword was burden enough.

“Maybe we’ll find a car,” Kamui finally said, satisfied that Subaru wasn't going to intervene any further.

“Perhaps,” Subaru acknowledged. “But I can’t drive.”

“Oh,” Kamui said with a furrowed brow. “Well, it doesn’t really matter if you have a license now, though?”

Subaru nodded, mostly to indulge him. He had no intention of making the attempt; he’d barely even _looked_ at cars. They were a reminder of Seishirou-san as so many things were and he didn't much care for them now.

“I’d be willing to try,” Kamui pushed. “I’ve read tutorials.”

“You have?” Subaru asked, startled. When had he had time for that?

Kamui actually looked a touch embarrassed now, but he nodded. “I don’t know, I figured it would be handy someday.”

Subaru wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that. He also wasn’t sure if he was thrilled at the idea of Kamui’s first test drive coming after the end of the world and with him in the passenger seat. It sounded like a recipe for disaster. Furthermore, most cars were utterly totaled and he really wasn’t interested in investigating every single one or removing whatever unfortunate soul might still be in it.

“I think traveling by foot may be wiser,” Subaru determined. “It may be longer, but not by much.” They could both move faster than most humans thanks to their abilities after all; he really wasn’t sure why Kamui wanted to drive so badly.

“Fine,” he mumbled, but he looked decidedly unhappy about it. He’d have to figure that out eventually, but for now they needed to get going.

* * *

The Tomei Expressway was as derelict as the rest of Tokyo. Subaru heaved an internal sigh at the sight of it. There were large cracks throughout the road and skid marks throughout. Most cars had crashed either with other cars or off the side of the road. They’d need to be careful in how they maneuvered this; things didn't feel as stable as he would have preferred.

“Do you think… any of them are alive?” Kamui asked as they continued onwards at a quick pace, leaping over cars and debris in equal measure. His gaze kept shifting to the various cars and Subaru could tell he wanted to run up to them in search of life.

The sun was still high in the sky; all Subaru could think was how they’d be at this for several hours.

“If so, they probably aren’t still in their car,” Subaru replied wearily. “Can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” Kamui said immediately.

“Why did you want to drive so much?” It was such a minor detail, but it was nagging at him. He felt as though he should already know the answer.

“Oh, that…” He frowned.

“Is your injury still bothering you?” By all accounts it should have been, but after they’d left Kotori’s grave Kamui had seemed nearly fully recovered. Subaru was honestly mystified by it.

“A little,” he admitted as they landed over a large semi. “But I think part of me thought that if we drove, I wouldn’t have to see…” He hung his head in shame.

“It’s all right,” Subaru responded, finally realizing what the matter really was. It wasn’t that Kamui craved speed in their journey—though that would have been justification enough—but that he was hoping to avoid witnessing some of the destruction before him. It really should have been quite apparent to Subaru from the start. He was a little worried about his own state of mind knowing it hadn’t been.

“Is it?” Kamui wondered bleakly. “It’s my fault this happened. All of it.”

“That isn’t entirely true,” Subaru replied calmly as they jumped over a large entourage of cars that all appeared to have panicked and then collided into each other. Alternatively, one of the dragons had slammed into them. There was a pretty large dent to their sides. “A good portion of the blame rests on the other Kamui’s shoulders.”

“Fuuma…” Kamui muttered.

“Do you still want to save him?” Subaru felt compelled to ask regardless of how cruel the question could be considered. If Kamui still wanted to, even after all this, he truly wondered how it couldn’t be considered his true wish.

Kamui didn’t look offended, however, merely terribly sad. “I don’t think it matters what I want anymore. Maybe it never did.”

It was the kind of statement he would have protested in his youth, but Subaru was at a loss as to how Kamui could be deemed wrong. Telling him anything mattered felt like the height of hypocrisy. They’d all been at the mercy of fate; their destiny had been foreordained.

“What do you hope to find in Kyoto?” Kamui continued when Subaru failed to respond.

“You remember I’m the thirteenth head of the Sumeragi clan?”

“And the head of all onmyoji in Japan. I remember,” Kamui responded with a wistful smile. “I was very impressed when you told me that back then. I'd never spoken to someone with that much responsibility.”

“It’s really not that impressive…” Subaru almost felt sheepish. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d even approached the sensation, but the title had always seemed a bit grandiose to him as a teenager. As an adult it simply… was.

“Regardless,” he continued, “that is where my clan is stationed.”

“Oh,” Kamui murmured so quietly Subaru almost didn’t hear him with the wind whipping past his ears. “Then… you want to see if your clan is still standing?”

“Partially. I’m more concerned about my grandmother. We haven’t spoken in a long time, not properly and not in person. The Sumeragi household is defended by various shiki, wards, and natural phenomenon. There’s a high likelihood some part of it yet stands.”

Kamui adjusted his pack before he leapt over a large crater in the road. The destruction was truly incredible.

“If it’s still standing, why do you sound so concerned?”

“Because I’ve failed her,” he admitted as he looked up at the sky. They were making good time, but it would still be days before they reached Kyoto. “I imagine she will be very disappointed in me. I’ve brought her a great deal of pain over the years.”

“She’s your grandmother,” Kamui said in consternation. “She will understand.”

 _No, she won’t,_ Subaru thought sadly. It would be far worse if she did because then she would know the true depths of his obsession, of his utter selfishness. He’d told Yuzuriha he was selfish once and she’d protested, but he knew in his heart it was absolutely true.

It was still possible his grandmother wasn’t even alive now. As protected as the ancestral home was, it wasn’t indomitable.

He’d have to cross that particular bridge when he came to it.

* * *

The next couple of days were spent largely in silence. Neither Subaru nor Kamui were feeling particularly talkative and each wound up lost in their own private thoughts. Subaru knew he should probably try a little harder to distract Kamui from the state of things, but he was having a hard enough time focusing on moving ahead when all of his thoughts kept returning to his grandmother, his sister, and Seishirou-san.

There was also the matter of his new eye and his supposed duties as Sakurazukamori.

He’d pushed that out of his mind in favor of helping Kamui, but it wasn’t something he could avoid forever and now that he was headed straight home, a place he'd avoided for years, he could no longer put it off. He could feel a different power running through him in conjunction with his previous abilities as an onmyoji, but he hadn’t tried to put any of it to work. He honestly didn’t want to.

Furthermore, now that Japan’s government was no more, he wasn’t sure he had any responsibilities as the Sakurazukamori anyway. They’d always worked in the shadows as the government’s assassin. That was no longer a job that existed.

He inwardly flinched at his own line of thought. Even after everything, even with how dead he felt, he still disliked the idea of killing another, still hated knowing Seishirou-san had spent a significant portion of his time doing just that without an ounce of regret.

Those were the thoughts that plagued him the entire way to Kyoto. He couldn’t say what Kamui was thinking about precisely, but he could make an educated guess judging off how he would stare into the horizon blankly or how he would wake in the middle of the night screaming. Subaru had had to spend several nights stroking his brow until he calmed enough to attempt sleep once more.

The most alarming part was how he'd whisper "I'm sorry" over and over into Subaru's chest, and he couldn't tell whether Kamui was apologizing to him, Kotori, or the entire human race.

There were nights where Subaru had his own nightmares as well, and Kamui would be the one to wake him. He wasn’t entirely sure how Kamui always knew; he knew for a fact he was a quiet sleeper, but when he asked Kamui claimed he hadn’t made any sound.

However he knew, Kamui was surprisingly protective on those nights; he would hold him so tightly Subaru would have to remind him to ease up a bit. He was worried Kamui was turning him into his own personal responsibility, and more responsibility was hardly what the Kamui needed right now. Even so, he couldn't help but enjoy the contact. He'd always been comfortable around Kamui; it was simply strange to have him take the protective role rather than the other way around.

At long last, Kyoto was on the horizon, not that he would have been able to tell if it weren’t for the helpful sign on the road.

It seemed that the Dragons of Earth had been very thorough here as well.

_All that history, gone._

“Subaru…”

“It should be this way,” he replied firmly, ignoring the worried look in Kamui’s eyes. “We’re nearly there.”

They both desperately needed showers and Subaru was determined to make that much happen regardless of the state of his home.

They ended up stopping at what he assumed was once a hotel or someone’s home. It had a working tub at least. That was the only thing working in it; the rest of the building had been stripped of any discerning features.

“You can go first,” Kamui said before Subaru had a chance to say anything. “I’ll wait over here.”

The water was freezing—he supposed warm water was too much to hope for right now—but he was clean again and that eased his mind somewhat. Even if he was about to disappoint his grandmother, he’d at least like to look presentable. It was such a small thing compared to everything else, but he’d _always_ looked presentable for his grandmother. It was a small gesture, but it was something.

Kamui took an incredibly quick bath before he hastened them on. There was a nervous energy about him that had Subaru a little concerned. Kamui was withholding a great deal from him and he wasn’t sure how to pry it out of him or if he should even try.

It was a relatively quick journey through the city-turned-necropolis before they were at the edge of the copse of trees that surrounded his ancestral home. Kamui was staring at it with something like wonder and what was definitely curiosity.

“This is it?”

“Yes. It looks untouched,” he said in puzzlement. He’d figured it might be standing, but he hadn’t expected it be as pristine as ever.

When they reached the house proper, Kamui gaped in shock. “Subaru, this is huge!”

Subaru allowed his gaze to trace over the traditional Japanese temple and home. It _was_ quite large. There was a Zen garden, a koi pond, and all the usual adornments one might expect from a traditional Japanese line. He could hear chimes as the wind gently blew across the land. It was if they’d entered an entirely different reality.

“You really grew up here?” he asked in a softer tone.

“Until I was 1sixteen years old. At that point I moved to Tokyo with my sister.” How strange to think of that time now. He could scarcely believe he'd once been so enthusiastic and full of wonder. It had been a long time.

Kamui turned towards the picturesque setting. “It’s beautiful.”

“It was difficult leaving at the time,” he admitted. He felt as though he owed Kamui something after such a long, dreary journey. “But my sister was eager to explore and that made it easier.”

Kamui clasped his hand, his sword held tightly in the other. Subaru stared ahead numbly. He couldn't decide whether he was afraid, worried, or simply didn't care what came next. He simply knew that there was no getting out of it, whatever it was.

“Let’s take a look,” he said with a hesitant smile. That spurred him on and they took their first steps together. It was surreal; he'd never brought anyone here before. It was a place that he'd only ever associated with his grandmother and his sister. It was the one place Seishirou-san had never laid a mark on. 

The moment they approached the entrance, the door opened. His grandmother stood before him, as strong and regal as ever. He couldn't read the expression on her face, but her gaze flicked to Kamui, traced his figure and the sword at his side, before returning her attention to him.

“Welcome home, Subaru.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm actually really looking forward to writing Subaru's conversation with his grandmother. :D That's part of why this chapter came out so much faster.


	4. Chapter 4

They slipped their shoes off and donned some slippers as they followed his grandmother. She led them into the tea room in utter silence without a glance backwards. Kamui was taking everything in acutely, but there was a worried furrow on his brow; Subaru supposed he must wonder if this was a typical welcome or if they were in trouble. He would be correct on both counts; his grandmother was always a formal woman, but she was also displeased.

They took a seat on plush cushions and she immediately began preparing the tea ceremony. Subaru was unsurprised to see that all the necessary utensils were already there. For a brief moment, it was like he was sixteen years old again and his grandmother was the chief authority in his life. She had often dispensed her wisdom to him over tea, just like this and he had always done his best to learn from her, to become a proper onmyoji.

He stared down at his hands in quiet reflection. He had not followed in her footsteps in the way he’d once thought he would.

Kamui was seated next to him, looking immensely uncomfortable. He’d never been the most formal of individuals; perhaps this was difficult for him. Even with Princess Hinoto he’d been more casual, much to several of the Dragons of Heaven’s chagrin.

When she finally passed them both a _chawan_ they politely took a sip. The matcha was excellent as usual. How he wished he could focus on this and ignore the rest of the world; if he could have nothing but good matcha for the rest of his life, he would be content.

“Subaru,” she finally said. “You come to me in a difficult time.”

“I won’t be long,” Subaru replied evenly. “I wanted to make sure you were all right.”

Kamui was silent at his side, but he clutched the _chawan_ a little more tightly. He’d placed his sword respectfully at his side.

She studied him for a long moment with weary eyes and a slight frown.

“Who is this with you?” she asked, turning her attention to Kamui. “I sense a great power about him.”

“My name is Kamui,” he said with a small bow. Subaru repressed a smile; Kamui really was trying to make a good impression with his bowing and quiet manner.

“Which one?” she demanded before shaking her head. “No, you can only be the Dragons of Earth’s Kamui. The other would have died afterwards.”

“I’m from the Dragons of Heaven,” he replied, scowling into his _chawan._ Subaru knew it wasn’t his grandmother he was upset with; he was blaming himself.

She stared at him in marked disbelief. “But how are you alive?”

“That would be my doing,” Subaru stated before Kamui could grow any more flustered. He looked very much like he wanted to sink into the ground in shame. “I thought him dead and removed him from the battle.”

“You thought I was…?” The shock in his voice burned as much as any accusation.

“That is impossible,” she interrupted. “The prophecy stated that there could be only one victor. We cannot have _this_ reality if both Kamuis yet live.”

“I cannot explain it, but it is the truth.” Subaru took a sip of tea. He’d said his piece and he really couldn’t explain it any further. Kamui was alive, prophecy or no.

“Perhaps that is why things are in such a state of flux,” she murmured. “There is flooding, but not nearly as much as I expected. The fact that any humans remain whatsoever is another matter I had pondered. This explains much.”

“I’m sorry,” Kamui whispered, bowing deeply. Subaru restrained himself from grabbing him about the shoulders and pulling him back up. This wasn’t his _fault._ Subaru had a nagging suspicion he knew whose it was, and it wasn’t Kamui’s.

“It’s too late for that,” she said tiredly. “Just as I fear it is too late for you, Subaru.”

His throat tightened and his eyes prickled faintly. He knew where this was going, he just hadn’t expected it to hurt as much as it did.

“I can sense the change in you,” she continued. “Do you remember what I told you all those years ago?”

“’Do not let the cherry blossoms seduce you, Subaru. Do not allow them to confuse your mind and heart,’” he repeated diligently. He’d had plenty of time to think over those words over the years. When he’d first started training in order to gain Seishirou’s attention, they’d been like a curse. He’d felt the force of the shame whenever they would echo in his mind before sleep overcame him. And sleep was always worse; sleep was where he would see his sister murdered again and again.

Now he didn’t know how he felt about the words. It was far too late to fix anything; he’d been taken in by the cherry blossoms thoroughly; there wasn’t anything left.

“Subaru…” It was Kamui, looking deeply concerned. He’d grabbed his hand, breaking the formality of the room by doing so. Stiffly, Subaru wrapped his hand about his in turn, feeling strangely distant, as if the whole thing were happening to someone else.

His grandmother was studying the two of them in contemplative silence, no doubt forming her own opinion on their relationship and behavior. She tapped her fan slightly before letting out a deep sigh. “I’m sorry, Subaru. The ultimate blame falls on me. I left you back then and…” She closed her eyes in pain. “I’m so sorry.”

“I’ve made my choice,” Subaru replied. “It’s not your fault.”

“You’ve chosen this?” she waved her hand at him, something like anger in her voice. “You have chosen to become that which we have always fought against? No, you have been deceived time and again by that wretched clan. I will not blame you for this, but I cannot forgive you it either.”

“I know.”

She gripped her fan tightly, her lips pursed, but she collected herself before she continued in a calmer voice. “What will you do now?”

“I will assist the Kamui.” He stared at the hand clasped in his own. “We hope to find more people.”

“And then what?”

“It’s my duty to help them,” Kamui spoke up softly. Subaru couldn’t quite bring himself to make eye contact. “I know I failed, but I have to do something.”

“And you intend to do this with the Sakurazukamori at your side?”

Kamui faltered a moment before he gripped Subaru’s hand even more tightly, so much so it almost hurt. “I will do this with Subaru at my side.”

It was as if his grandmother wilted before his very eyes; she appeared exhausted. “There is no one left,” she whispered. “Not enough to preserve humanity.”

“I will see that for myself.”

“The flooding will only grow worse as will the desolation,” she said. “Every day will be a fight for survival.”

“What else should I do?” Kamui demanded.

“I don’t know,” she admitted. “No one knows what was to happen after the war.”

Kamui stood and grabbed his sword. He studied it for a moment before saying, “It’s up to us. Our fated destiny has happened. Now it’s our choice.”

He walked out the door. Subaru stared after him in vague disbelief. He knew that Kamui used to have issues with authority figures, Princess Hinoto in particular, but he’d never actually witnessed it for himself. This was just … rude.

What was more shocking was the chuckle coming from his grandmother. “Well, he is an unusual one, isn’t he?”

“I-I’m sorry, Grandmother,” Subaru hastened. “I’m sure he didn’t mean—“

“No, he is correct,” she said with an amused huff. “Wallowing in misery is hardly going to fix anything, is it? I’m glad you’re traveling with him.” She frowned. “But I worry. He is terribly attached to you, Subaru.”

He wasn’t sure what he was supposed to say to that.

“Try to be kinder to him than your predecessor was to you.”

Subaru reeled back, feeling as if he’d just been smacked. He couldn’t think of anything more shocking than those words. The implications alone were preposterous.

“I would never,” he whispered. “I could _never_ do that to someone.”

A flash of Seishirou holding Hokuto in his arms. A shout, a scream. Terror, understanding, devastating grief. And then that horrible moment he woke up and knew reality was worse than any dream for it was starker and colder and there was no longer a sister there to make it better. There was no one at all.

No, he would never do that.

His grandmother merely stared at him sadly. “I wish I had the same confidence as you in this regard, but I wonder. You’ve changed, Subaru.”

“You’re disappointed in me.”

She said nothing.

“Will you help Kamui and I?” he finally asked tiredly.

“With what?” she asked, looking equally weary. “Much as I appreciate his determination, there really isn’t much left to save. And I cannot allow the two of you to remain on these grounds for long. You are … an opposing force.”

Subaru closed his eyes in silent acknowledgement of her words. It was true that his opposing energy would eventually corrupt this haven. “Then it seems I am a hindrance to him,” Subaru murmured. “And yet I cannot leave him to fend for himself.”

She finally took a sip of her own tea with a stern frown. “Why are you at his side?”

“What do you mean?”

“You are no longer a Dragon of Heaven. You abandoned your ties to him to join the opposing force. Do you really think that’s something that can be left alone?”

“I don’t know,” Subaru admitted. “He hasn’t said anything about it. As for me, I… should not have left him. Not like that.”

“I don’t understand you anymore, Subaru,” she whispered as she looked away to the large window overlooking the Zen garden. He could see that Kamui had made his way there and was now standing over one of the koi ponds. Even at a distance Subaru could tell he was unhappy.

“Grandmother…”

“I don’t understand why you left him or why you travel with him now. I don’t understand what the Sakurazukamori meant to you nor do I understand why you have assumed his role, but please. If you are trying to atone for your sins… do not make things worse. Do not let him cling to false hope.”

“There isn’t another choice available. He has nothing; there’s nothing remaining of the Dragons of Heaven. He has no one to turn to. I…” Subaru took a deep, calming breath. “Would you allow him to stay here if I leave?”

“He will not leave your side. You know that.”

“Then I must go now, Grandmother.” He gave a low bow, bringing his forehead to the ground. “Thank you for your hospitality.”

She said nothing as he left and that silence rang throughout the household.

* * *

“I see you found the koi pond,” Subaru said conversationally on his approach. “It’s always been beautiful this time of the year.”

Kamui gave a half-hearted grin before sighing. “It is lovely. Your home is beautiful.”

“But?” Subaru prompted.

“But we’re not staying here, are we?” Kamui appeared distraught. “Was it because I left?”

“No,” Subaru murmured. “It has nothing to do with you.”

Kamui gave a quiet chuckle. “That’s unusual.”

“I suppose it is,” Subaru replied with a faint smile. “But the Sumeragi household has always been independent. Not even the Kamui could make my grandmother do something she found displeasing.”

“Hm.” He looked amused briefly, but that, like any good emotion of late, faded swiftly when he said, “What did she mean?”

Subaru didn’t have to ask what he was referencing. There was only one fact his grandmother had made reference to that Kamui would have no prior knowledge of.

“When I left I was found by the other Kamui,” he explained. “He came with Seishirou-san’s final wish, which was that the mark the other Kamui had left would be removed.”

Kamui reached out and cupped his cheek, right under the brown eye that he now bore. He was frowning as he usually did whenever Seishirou-san was brought up.

“This is the Sakurazukamori’s eye,” he stated sadly. “I had wondered.”

Subaru gave a slight nod. “I know you had. When the surgery was complete, I inherited more than the eye. I also inherited Seishirou-san’s powers and responsibilities.”

“And so you became a Dragon of Earth,” he said dully.

“I became a Dragon of Earth,” he affirmed. “If mankind had continued, I would have had to work as the Sakurazukamori.”

Kamui removed his hand and stepped away. His expression was surprisingly difficult to read as he turned to study the gentle swirls in the stone garden. “What about now?” he asked quietly.

“It is impossible for me to fulfill the Sakurazukamori’s role now,” Subaru said simply.

Kamui shook his head at that with a frown. “But you intend to help me.”

Subaru inclined his head in affirmation. “It was kind of you to defend me in front of my grandmother,” he said softly, “though you needn’t have.”

“I wanted to.” Kamui heaved a sigh and studied his sword in resignation. “She might be right. There might be no one left to save.”

“Perhaps,” Subaru admitted hesitantly. “But it can’t hurt.”

To his surprise, Kamui let out a short, harsh laugh. “I really don’t know what I’m doing and for all we know it _could_ hurt, but I suppose that’s how it’s been since the beginning.” He turned to Subaru with a sad smile. “Let’s go; I don’t want to stay here any longer.”

As they retreated from the house and made their way to the edge of the forest, Subaru turned back one last time to take in his final sight of his ancestral home. It sat there, as if from a fable, in picturesque dignity and beauty. He could smell incense and clean air and he was about to lose it all. How many days and nights had he spent here with his sister? How often had she teased him and studied at his side as his grandmother taught them all the skills they would need to be proper onmyoji.

All of that was gone now, but the house would remain, even if Subaru no longer had access to it.

“Goodbye, Grandmother,” he uttered softly before turning away one final time to rejoin Kamui's side.


	5. Chapter 5

The next several days weren’t easy with neither Subaru nor Kamui knowing what, exactly, they should do next. As much as Subaru had been prepared for his grandmother’s disapproval, he hadn’t actually planned on what they would do once she’d refuted them. Perhaps he’d unknowingly clung to some naïve hope she might see things their way, which was laughable. Subaru’s “way” had gotten his sister killed, had corrupted his powers, and mankind demolished.

Wryly, he supposed that wasn’t a terribly persuasive argument.

They eventually settled in an abandoned cottage on the countryside of Kyoto—untarnished and beautiful albeit devoid of any humans—and eked out an existence there, surviving off of canned goods and whatever was unspoiled that they could dig up from the nearest town. He didn’t wonder who the home had once belonged to; he was just glad to have a roof over their heads.

Kamui already looked thinner and in the back of his mind he knew that wasn’t good; Kamui wasn’t eating enough, wasn’t sleeping enough, wasn’t _taking care of himself._

And Subaru didn’t have the energy to force the issue. His own appetite was spotty at best, and he was weary, both from their journey, the constant battle just to survive, and the fact that the dead were decidedly restless.

That last one plagued Subaru alone. He hadn’t said anything to Kamui yet because he knew it wouldn’t help him to know that the people who had perished, that he felt he had failed, were very vocal even from the great beyond in their anguish and rage and confusion.

Confusion dominated follow by rage. Most of the spirits he saw flitting by couldn’t understand what had happened to them. Several were entirely ordinary people attempting to do entirely ordinary things. They didn’t notice—or didn’t understand—when their actions had no effect on the physical world.

Still, Subaru had had years to accustom himself to the existence and erratic behavior of ghosts and spirits; he’d been surrounded by them his entire life. No, he wasn’t bothered, precisely. It’s simply that he he’d had an idea and he wasn’t sure he liked it all that much. The fact of the matter was that he and Kamui were looking for the living, and the only people they had to ask for directions were those who had passed on.

He contemplated this one morning while Kamui was still tossing fitfully in bed in the other room. He was situated at the table in the dining room, and didn’t that feel strange. They’d found quite a nice home to settle in, actually. There weren’t even any ghosts demanding they leave.

It felt hollow all the same. Every night, Kamui would come to him and he would silently allow him into the bed that wasn’t his own, and they would silently stare at the ceiling, saying nothing. Subaru knew Kamui was only barely holding the force of his despair at bay, but Subaru could only do so much. He was far too preoccupied with his own thoughts to extend any more warmth than he was.

He’d felt so listless ever since they’d left his grandmother’s. She was right: they sought a goal that may never be realized.

He gripped the bridge of his nose in an attempt to stave off an oncoming headache. Kamui wanted to find any remaining humans. They had all of Japan to cover and, if not that, the rest of the world.

Subaru really hoped they didn’t have to branch out beyond Japan.

Regardless, he might be able to help with Kamui’s task if he was able to both mollify a local ghost and then glean information from it. There was just one problem.

He didn’t want to.

No, it wasn’t that it was a dangerous plan (although it was) or that the spirits’ suffering would bring Kamui pain (it would), the problem was that he’d been actively avoiding his onmyoji skills because they were _tainted._ He didn’t want to reach for his power and feel Seishirou-san there instead, and wasn’t that odd? He’d gone to so much trouble to be closer to that man and now he was reluctant to use the power that had been bestowed upon him.

He groaned softly, his headache only growing worse the more he fought against it.

_Coward._

He certainly knew that much was true.

So engrossed was he in his own thoughts he didn’t notice Kamui in the doorway looking on with sorrowful eyes and a clenched jaw. If he’d been more in tune with his surroundings, he would have felt the fear and worry emanating from him, but that, along with so many other things, escaped his attention.

As such, he startled when he felt two slim arms wrap about his waist and a face bury itself in the crook of his shoulder, not having heard his approach whatsoever. Subaru remained as he was for a moment, frozen and taken aback, before relaxing slightly as Kamui tightened his embrace.

“What’s this for?” he finally asked, allowing himself to lean back into the touch. It was such a foreign activity and he felt certain he didn’t deserve comfort, but he couldn’t deny that he’d always enjoyed these moments with Kamui, was always privately amazed that there was someone he could allow this with that wouldn’t take advantage.

“You’ve been worrying about something,” Kamui murmured into shoulder. “You’ve been sitting here, staring out the window for ages.”

He’d lost track of time, but he had no doubt that Kamui was correct. “I’ve had a lot to consider,” he admitted softly.

Kamui took a deep breath before lifting his head up slightly. He searched his eyes with unusual calm before glancing away and saying, “I know it’s not my place, but please tell me.”

Subaru scrunched his brow up in confusion. What a strange sentiment from one with so much power. “Of course it’s your place,” Subaru returned. “You’re the Kamui.”

“That’s not what I mean,” Kamui said in frustration, finally letting him go to take the seat opposite him. “I don’t have a right to your every thought; it doesn’t matter if I’m the Kamui or not.”

“Hmm.” Well, Subaru had his own opinion on that, but the point was admittedly moot as Subaru wasn’t telling him everything anyway. Ah, he was being a hypocrite again, wasn’t he? When had this become such a problem for him?

“Is it your grandmother?” Kamui asked softly, compassion strung through every word and that left Subaru feeling guilty for an entirely different reason. Yes, it would be logical for Kamui to assume he was in mourning, wouldn’t it? He should be; he’d just lost his childhood home along with his only living relative. He’d been so concerned before as well, but knowing she was alive was already more than he’d anticipated. There was no denying that he felt lost at the change, but sorrow? He couldn’t quite manage sorrow.

“No,” he stated, wishing he were capable of some kind of inflection. “It’s not my grandmother. I knew when we arrived that she would be displeased.”

“Yes, but,” Kamui began uncertainly, once more looking at Subaru as if there was something missing, something he had to tread gently around, “even so, you must be upset.”

It sounded more like a question and Subaru considered lying. Perhaps it would ease Kamui’s frayed nerves to think Subaru felt as he did; upset, undone, anything.

But he respected Kamui too much for that and their bond hadn’t been built on deceit; it had always rested firmly on trust and a unique understanding of one another.

“I miss what we had,” he said and that was unbearably honest. “I miss what used to be, but I can’t go back to that; that past, that connection, have been missing for years and our relationship was strained for an equal amount of time. Please do not worry yourself on my account.”

Kamui closed his eyes and gave a slight nod. “Then what’s been on your mind?”

The words were clipped and sharp as glass and Subaru glanced away, wondering if this next admittance would make it better or worse. But he was the Kamui and Subaru had promised to stay with him, to _help_ him, and he could only find the one answer.

“I’ve been thinking of our dilemma,” he began. “I may have a solution.”

“All right,” Kamui said slowly. “But there’s something about this solution you dislike?”

He inclined his head. “It would require me to use my powers. The way I see it, there are two options to us: the first is I send out my shiki until it locates someone.”

Kamui waited a moment, no doubt expecting him to go on. When he didn’t he asked, with a touch of confusion, “Then why don’t you?”

“I don’t believe it would have the range required,” he answered bluntly. Also, his shiki would have a hard time maneuvering the sheer flood of spirits clinging to the mortal plane.

“Then what’s the second option?” Kamui sighed, not even bothering to press the issue. He looked so frail; Subaru would insist he eat something after this.

“The second option is for me to commune with the dead,” Subaru continued. “It’s significantly more dangerous, however.”

“The dead…” His expression darkened, not out of anger, but deep sorrow. This was precisely what Subaru had wanted to avoid. “Then, there are spirits you can contact here?”

“Yes.”

He glanced at the window, lost. “Are there a lot?” he whispered.

“There are,” he admitted.

Kamui opened his mouth for a moment, changed his mind, and raised a hand to grip his head, no doubt experiencing the same headache Subaru was still combating.

But then his face crumpled and Subaru’s heart clenched.

“Subaru…” But he couldn’t finish. His voice cracked and he lowered his brow to the table shamefacedly, his hands clutching at the back of his head tightly. Subaru could see the fine tremors that started in his shoulders and winded down through his body. This was the only thing that really moved him anymore: Kamui’s pain.

“I’m here,” he said softly as he moved to crouch before him. “I’m right here.” He gently gripped his hands and moved them away from where they were tugging too tightly at fine strands. He held them tightly in one hand and moved the other to massage his head, to ease the tension there.

Kamui took a deep, shaky breath as if he’d been drowning moments prior. It was a terrible, soul-crushing sound. “I’m here,” Subaru assured once more, helplessly.

“Don’t go,” Kamui whispered. “Promise me you won’t.“

“I won’t.”

They stayed like that a while longer until Kamui had collected himself. When he looked up, his face was red and puffy, but his eyes were dry.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured. “I shouldn’t… I already _know_ they’re gone, why can’t I just…”

“Please don’t,” Subaru sighed. “You’re human, Kamui. You’re allowed to feel pain and sorrow, the full spectrum of human emotion and frailty.”

“You’re managing,” Kamui pointed out brokenly. “You haven’t been fazed in the slightest.”

Subaru cupped his cheek gently, consideringly, before saying, “Do you really think that’s a good thing?”

For a moment, Kamui could do nothing but gape at him. Then his expression crumpled. “No,” he whispered. “No, in fact, I _hate_ it, I— I’m sorry, I shouldn’t say that. I’m glad you’re here, Subaru.”

“You have no need to apologize to me. I’m not proud of how I’ve been.”

“I don’t know what to do,” Kamui whispered desperately, and Subaru knew he didn’t mean about mankind, he meant about _him_. “I don’t know what I can do to make it better.”

He hesitated a moment. He had once told him that it was impossible to make everyone happy, and he still believed that, but how could restating that sentiment help Kamui now? How could _any_ of his foul sentiments help rather than hurt?

For the first time in a very long time, he tried to think of what his sister might do. He often thought of his sister, but usually in a distant, longing kind of way. It had been awhile since he’d thought of her words simply as they were: truths he had lived his life by. But the fact of the matter was that his sister could be harsh in her opinions and that wasn’t what Kamui needed right now. Had Subaru known anyone who could offer a gentle word, a careful nudging in the right direction?

Uneasily, he realized he had: his sixteen-year-old self. Now that was someone he hadn’t had anything to do with for a very long time. Still…

“I think we need to work together,” he began awkwardly. “It… it’s not about you fixing me, Kamui. It’s about helping one another. Even though we’ve had such similar experiences, we still can’t fully understand one another. Even so, that doesn’t mean we can’t help one another all the same.”

It was alarming how honed in Kamui’s focus was now, he was hanging off of Subaru’s every word and he looked… desperate, in awe.

“The world has suffered a tragedy,” he continued, growing surer of his words. “But so have you and so… so have I,” he forced himself to admit. “We can’t be the same as we were, but we can… make progress. We can find peace.”

He felt very distant from himself for a moment, as if he really had been possessed by his younger self and this old, jaded version had no idea how to interpret what he had just said. Make progress? Find peace? That had never been on the agenda. He’d simply… wanted to die. But then he couldn’t because of Seishirou-san’s wish, so he’d contented himself with observing the Earth’s devastation and accepted he would have nothing to do with it, one way or another.

Only that wasn’t why he still lived. Now he couldn’t simply die because…

 _I don’t want to,_ he realized uneasily. It wasn’t only that he felt like he owed Kamui after abandoning him and it wasn’t that he felt guilt at what his grandmother had said. It was that he wanted to be here, now. Why?

He reached out and stroked Kamui’s cheek with the utmost care. Maybe it was because Kamui, as different as they were from one another, still brought an odd sense of peace. There was someone out there who had some inkling of what he’d gone through, had seen it in his very own dreamscape, and was still so terribly, inexplicably attached.

He’d left because he’d been utterly devastated, but… Maybe he hadn’t ever meant for it to be forever. Maybe he could have grown attached to the world again eventually. Maybe he’d just wanted to grieve all that he’d lost for a time, uninterrupted by anything else.

 _The way a normal person would,_ he realized.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Kamui whispered fiercely. “I’m so glad, I… I missed you so much. When you left, I wanted to look for you, I wanted to find you, but I didn’t know if you wanted me to do so and I…”

“I didn’t realize,” Subaru admitted, processing his words slowly, considering the implications. How different things would be if Kamui had found him instead; he wouldn’t have this eye for one. He probably would have simply returned to the Dragons of Heaven. Had he really been so weak-willed that he would do whatever the first person that found him said?

Perhaps his heart was more afflicted than even he had realized.

“I should have said something,” Kamui admitted. “I shouldn’t have left you that day.”

Subaru blinked as the world turned on its head for a moment. Hearing those words from Kamui instead of himself… it was too surreal.

“I’m the one that left,” Subaru reminded carefully.

“No, I… I left first,” Kamui admitted. “You were in pain over the Sakurazukamori and I should have stayed with you.”

“That’s hardly your fault,” Subaru sighed, feeling much older than he was. “I wanted time to myself and I wanted to leave. You’re very young, Kamui; you can’t take on everyone’s problems.”

“Taking on everyone’s problems was literally my job,” he snapped. “At the very least, I could have taken on yours.”

Something about his inflection, the raw honesty in his words, was simply too much. “I’ll make you some tea,” Subaru announced suddenly, feeling confused and uneasy. Kamui didn’t stop him, but he turned away sullenly. Subaru knew he was being a coward again; he just wasn’t entirely sure what it was he was running away from this time. Perhaps Kamui knew.

Their newfound home didn’t have any electricity (nothing did), but it was a simple enough matter to go outside and gather some wood, make a fire, and then steep the tealeaves he’d snagged from the kitchen once the water boiled. More importantly, it gave him time to think, which he desperately needed right now.

He’d never really thought about how his leaving might have affected Kamui. Oh, he knew he wouldn’t be _pleased,_ precisely, but he hadn’t thought it would be yet another thing the Kamui would add to his list of failings. That didn’t sit well with him; he’d considered the entire affair his own problem to the point he’d ceased to think of anyone else.

 _I really am selfish,_ he thought drearily. _I never would have behaved like this as a teen._ Apparently, donning his old hairstyle had done nothing to bring back his old mindset. Of course, he’d grown his hair out in an attempt to go back to a time when Seishirou-san was still with him. With that in mind, even he was starting to wonder at how he was managing on a day-to-day basis. Maybe Kamui was right to be so worried.

The water was boiling now. It probably had been for a while. He poured water into the traditional Japanese teacup and stared into it for a moment, taking in his reflection. He wondered what it was that Kamui saw when he looked at him. Surely it couldn’t be someone who had any idea of what he was doing even if he had been the one to suggest their next course of action.

When he stepped back inside, Kamui had collected himself though he appeared decidedly… irritated. Irritated and sad. Subaru had never had to deal with an irritated Kamui to his knowledge. He’d heard that this was not an uncommon trait in him, but he’d figured that was Arisugawa-san overselling things. With the combination of how he’d behaved around his grandmother and now this, he was beginning to understand that hadn’t been the case.

He extended the cup of tea. Kamui took it and even managed a grudging sip. He didn’t glare at Subaru, not exactly, but he was frowning at the cup consideringly, and Subaru knew that whatever had passed between them would make a return eventually.

“So,” he said finally. “Spirits.”

“Yes.” That was much safer territory for a conversation even if it was what had begun this tension in the first place. Granted, he was fairly certain this was the most words they’d exchanged in… weeks, so maybe it wasn’t surprising it was going so poorly.

“How dangerous would this be for you?” Kamui demanded.

“Mm, probably a fair amount,” Subaru admitted reluctantly. “Their numbers are significant.”

Kamui was quiet for a moment. “Then, shouldn’t we take care to locate one that’s a little less… violent?”

“Agreed. However, that would take more time.”

“Subaru,” Kamui said slowly, “we have time.”

“Yes, but…” _But you’d be happier if we found people sooner._

It didn’t feel right to say that aloud. Subaru wasn’t sure he knew why.

“We’ll be careful about it,” Kamui said firmly. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Kamui wasn’t an onmyoji, so he was inclined to say “no,” but he was _the_ Kamui; it wouldn’t make sense for him not to have any connection to the supernatural. In consternation, he wondered why that wasn’t something they’d explored a lot sooner. Perhaps everyone had been too intimidated to even approach the concept of training the savior to be better because a savior was supposed to be perfect already.

Truly, it wasn’t Kamui that had failed mankind. More and more, he found himself convinced the Dragons of Heaven had been … poorly managed. After all, the Dragons of Earth, from his very brief interactions with them, had been far from a unified front, and yet they’d accomplished _so_ much more it was frankly absurd.

And wasn’t that something that raised a few questions all on its own? But he didn’t have time to mull that over (it also didn’t matter). He could have Kamui learn now.

“Perhaps,” he acknowledged. “I will need to prepare my ofuda and center myself. It would be helpful to have a tether.”

“A tether?”

“Something to bring me back if I’m dragged too far into the spirit world,” he explained.

Kamui perked up immediately. “I could do that.”

“Yes,” Subaru said with faint amusement. “I do believe you could.”

“What else?”

“I’ll also need to purify myself before and after,” Subaru sighed. That was going to be the truly difficult part; purifying himself was something the Sumeragi clan did. He had a sneaking suspicion it wasn’t something the Sakurazukamori clan had ever bothered with and yet here he was, counted among their number. But… he wanted to contact a peaceful spirit, not cause trouble. The Sakurazukamori’s powers wouldn’t be of any use.

His real concern was that purifying himself might impact his connection to Seishirou-san, but even he had limits to how selfish he could be, apparently, and the world had ended. He’d promised to help Kamui. What did any of it matter?

“Subaru?” Kamui started, and this tone was a lot more familiar: sad, warm, lost. He’d often sounded that way around him.

“Hm?”

“I wish you’d tell me what was bothering you.”

“I don’t think that would help,” Subaru admitted.

“Wouldn’t help what?” Kamui asked quietly. “Are you trying to protect me or yourself?”

Subaru said nothing.

“Is it the Sakurazukamori?” he asked despairingly.

Of course it was. It always was with him. Subaru closed his eyes in response and this time he wasn’t surprised at the reaction it garnered. Kamui stood and walked away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two keep dancing around a lot of tension and thus, more tension builds! They're going to have a rough time sorting it all out, but they're making progress, albeit slowly. I'd love to hear your thoughts!


	6. Chapter 6

Foolishness wasn’t something wholly unfamiliar to Subaru at this point in his life, but even he had to wonder if this was truly a “wise” decision, based on necessity and careful consideration, or if he was being abrupt in an effort to avoid more difficult conundrums he didn’t want to think about.

He’d promised Kamui he would be careful in his endeavor to contact a spirit, which was why he was doing his best to replicate a purification ritual despite his limited supplies, rather than send his shiki and contact whatever showed up first. The ideal scenario would have been to go to a Shinto shrine, but that would have taken up significantly more time and they had limited supplies. Hunting and foraging would replenish some of them, but the burden of survival was taking a toll, primarily in the form of their moods. Kamui was even quieter than he’d been before he’d dropped Seishirou-san’s and Subaru found he was becoming frustrated himself. What was he supposed to do? He couldn’t change himself in this way.

Still, contacting a spirit was a difficult scenario for a great many reasons and had become something of a catch-22 he couldn’t readily solve: in order to contact a friendly spirit, he needed to purify himself, except he couldn’t because he was a tainted onmyoji.

_ I might need to find a waterfall,  _ he considered. Meditation under a waterfall was a time-honored tradition and it didn’t require any human constructs. It was natural, cleansing, and surely something the Dragons of Earth would have endorsed if they’d been more inclined towards peace rather than a reboot through eradication.

It was as close to a plan as he could manage, so with that settled he gathered a few limited supplies for his pack, carefully calculating how much Kamui would need here at this house, and how much he could take before he would need to set traps.

That was how Kamui found him that morning: by the front door, puzzling through his pack one last time. While they hadn’t said much to one another, they’d silently agreed to have their meals together---an awkward affair where sunshine the color of buttercups filtered through frayed curtains only to shiver at the frosty silence between the two men—but they’d otherwise given each other their space.

Subaru was beginning to think it was  _ too  _ much space when Kamui didn’t even come to him in the night for comfort as he had done previously. He knew it wasn’t because he’d suddenly overcome all his fears or anxiety, either. No, Subaru could still hear the creak of the floorboard as he paced to-and-fro, a bundle of nerves needing some kind of outlet and failing to find any. Subaru had wanted to go to him, but he knew he’d hurt Kamui somehow, even if he didn’t fully understand what the issue was.

Oh, he knew it was related to Seishirou-san---Kamui had always reacted poorly to his name—but he wasn’t sure why it should matter so much. If anything, he thought Kamui ought to understand to a limited degree; he was quite obsessed with the other Kamui.

_ Although, he hasn’t brought him up at all of late, _ he realized. That seemed important, but the key to the puzzle was frustratingly out of reach.

He paused in his organizing to meet Kamui’s quiet gaze. Like everything else of late, it was awkward.

“Where are you going?” Kamui finally asked.

“I’m looking for a waterfall. It doesn’t have to be a large one, and we’re near a river, so I’m hoping one will be nearby.”

Kamui lowered his gaze and it struck him how much older—and how much more tired—he appeared compared to when he first saved him.

“Am I coming with?” he asked, his weariness palpable. Immediately, Subaru set the pack aside and stood from his crouch, moving swiftly to Kamui’s side. He almost reached out for him, but reconsidered at the last minute.

“Traditionally, these kinds of ceremonies are performed alone,” he explained hesitantly. Truly, he hadn’t meant to abandon Kamui without letting him know where he was going, but it must have looked like that all the same.

“But not always,” Kamui pointed out.

“Not always,” he agreed.

Kamui slumped ever-so-slightly, but he didn’t cease in his persistent line of questioning. “How long will you be gone?”

“I don’t know.”

“Is the ritual dangerous?”

“Not normally.” He wasn’t sure if being the Sakurazukamori would change that.

A pause. “Will you come back?”

“Of course,” Subaru murmured. “Always.”

“But you don’t want me to come with,” he pointed out dully. “Why?”

At that Subaru hesitated because there were several answers he could give him right now, and they’d all be partially, though not completely, true. He hadn’t been sure Kamui would want to come with. He’d wanted some time to think about their next course of action. He wasn’t sure how the ritual would go. He wasn’t sure Kamui’s health should be put to the test, speedy recovery or not.

He didn’t want to place Kamui in danger.

Perhaps that was the most honest of all his reasons, so he told him so.

At that, Kamui’s expression softened slightly before he shook his head in almost fond exasperation. “I don’t want you in any danger either, you know.”

“Ah,” Subaru acknowledged and some of the heaviness in his chest dissipated. He hadn’t even realized it had been there or that Kamui’s silence had bothered him quite so much. “Thank you.”

“Then, if it’s all right, I’ll prepare my own pack and we’ll leave together.” He phrased it like a question, nervous and hopeful all at once, and Subaru could only bring himself to nod. How could he do anything else in the face of such earnestness?

It didn’t take long for Kamui to prepare and soon they were out the door, following the winding river until they found what they sought. It didn’t escape his notice that everything would have been infinitely easier if he’d never accepted Seishirou-san’s final bequeathal. Quite a few things would be different if he’d only refused the other Kamui that day. But how could he? Had Eve ever been capable of refusing the forbidden fruit? Had any human being since? When confronted with a mystery, when confounded by grief, one inevitably had to know, for how could things be any worse than they already were? 

Indeed, Subaru still wouldn’t say he regretted his actions. He was simply capable of understanding his own failings as well.

If it sounded like denial, well, that wasn’t an unfamiliar predicament for him either.

Kamui was quiet at his side as they journeyed on, not rushing as they had been, but keeping an even pace. While he could have worried about Kamui’s disposition as he had previously, he found he didn’t have to; there was a gaiety to his step that had long been missing and a subtle upward tilt to his lips that spoke of an ease of mind that frankly astounded him. Perhaps simply making the journey together had helped. Subaru was unexpectedly glad himself—perhaps further solitude had not been the answer after all. 

There was also the matter of Kamui acting as his tether once the ceremony began proper. He would certainly need to perform a basic purification rite himself and if Subaru had been thinking clearly he would have known it to be so immediately. There were a lot of things escaping his notice of late, but basic onmyodo really shouldn’t be one of them.

“Once we find a suitable spot,” Subaru began, hesitant to break the peaceful silence that had embraced them, “would you be willing to undergo the ceremony as well?”

“Of course,” he responded without a second’s hesitation. “If there is anything I can do to help, I am willing.”

“I appreciate it,” Subaru returned.

“No,  _ I  _ appreciate it,” Kamui said, almost sternly. “You’ve done so much for me of late; I shouldn’t grow…” He faltered then, perhaps unwilling to admit to his frustrations. Still, Subaru understood, at least a little.

“It’s all right,” he offered. “These are strange times.” An understatement, but there was no need to belabor the point.

“There’s something about that,” Kamui began slowly. Subaru glanced over at him curiously.

“How do you mean?”

“That there’s something strange,” Kamui clarified. “And not just how you meant. There are some things I… haven’t told you,” he admitted. “I keep getting these impressions that there’s something out there, near Tokyo.”

Subaru took a moment to consider that. “What kinds of impressions?” he finally asked, unwilling to make a hasty conclusion.

“Like a presence,” he continued, looking out at the expanse that would inevitably take them back to the city should they choose to. “It’s something dark and aware. That’s the one thing I’ve been most cognizant of; it’s aware of my movements, almost as if it’s following me.”

A tendril of unease settled coldly about his heart for there was only one presence he could readily think of that was both in Tokyo and interested in Kamui’s whereabouts: the other Kamui. But surely Kamui would have recognized the eyes of his twin star?

“Is this what has kept you up at night?”

“Partially,” Kamui admitted.

“And… it’s not a familiar presence?”

“No,” Kamui replied, puzzled. “Should it be?”

“No,” Subaru settled on reluctantly. “I was just curious.” Kamui was doing well right now. Any mention of the other Kamui would surely only hinder his progress.

Subaru was well aware this lie of omission would not go over well should it be discovered. If someone had hidden Seishirou-san’s presence from him he would have been devastated, but surely the other Kamui had been given more than enough access to Kamui throughout the battle, and if he wanted his presence known, he could certainly make that a reality.

“What do you think it could be?” Kamui asked, oblivious to the internal debate Subaru was currently undergoing.

“Tokyo was the major metropolis of Japan,” Subaru tried. “Population-wise, it was the densest. I wouldn’t be surprised if the sheer intensity of their emotions lives on.”

“Then you think it’s a spiritual hub,” Kamui considered. Then, his face fell. “The dead are judging me from beyond the grave.”

“Not necessarily,” Subaru offered, feeling distinctly as though this were the wrong direction for this conversation to be taking. “It could simply be they’re drawn in by the power you possess.”

“A power I never mastered,” Kamui said bitterly. “I still don’t know what else I was supposed to learn. All these prophecies and they couldn’t lay that out.”

“Prophecies are always fickle in my experience.” Subaru had yet to encounter a prophecy he would label as “helpful.” Certainly none of the ones involving him had been preventable.

_ “Do not let the cherry blossoms confuse your heart.” _

No, there wasn’t a thing anyone could have done.

“There’s still time to learn,” he replied calmly. “Grim though this turnout is, it’s not a perfect reflection of how things were supposed to be.”

“I guess so.”

“It’s true,” Subaru insisted. “If it were an accurate result of the prophecy, you and I wouldn’t be around to have this conversation.”

“I have wondered about that,” Kamui admitted, kicking a small pebble along the road. “This future was supposed to be beautiful, far more beautiful than if humans had lived. And yet…” he frowned. “It’s not. There are corpses everywhere, rubble; it’s a giant mess. I had thought…”

Subaru paused for a moment, having never heard this line of reasoning from Kamui before. He’d always been so staunchly in favor of saving the human race.

Kamui heaved a frustrated sigh. “When I saw the destruction of Tokyo, back when you saved me, it looked so much more like the future where humans had  _ lived.  _ When Princess Hinoto showed me that future, it appeared disgusting and I… I didn’t want it,” he whispered. “I sincerely felt the future the Dragons of the Earth wanted was the more beautiful of the two. But it didn’t have Kotori or Fuuma in it, so how could I choose that? But now, the world is hideous and there still isn’t any Kotori or Fuuma.” He gave a bitter chuckle. “I guess the prophecy was wrong.”

It was possibly one of the most unsettling statements Subaru had ever heard. He knew Kamui had had to make a choice, but he hadn’t been there for the original decision. Seeing how he’d grappled with it… The world really had been very close to immediate destruction.

But more than that, a prophecy couldn’t simply be  _ wrong,  _ but there was no denying that everything about their current scenario felt decidedly off. His grandmother had been bewildered that any humans yet lived, that  _ Kamui  _ lived. He’d brushed it aside, not caring much what destiny had to say for itself, but destiny was Kamui’s domain. He had to contend with it and  _ something  _ had happened, just not something anyone had anticipated.

“What do you think?” Kamui asked in a quiet, meek voice. “I know it’s horrible to admit, but—“

“It’s not horrible,” Subaru interjected. “Who wouldn’t want a beautiful world or at least be tempted by it? And who wouldn’t want to preserve the world their loved ones lived in?”

“But I got neither,” he said, grief evident in his tone. “The world is still ugly and my loved ones aren’t here. What does  _ that  _ mean?”

An excellent question. He could only think of one thing. “It means you changed the future,” he said slowly. “Or the other Kamui did. The prophecy wasn’t fulfilled.”

“The worst of both worlds,” Kamui muttered. “Maybe I shouldn’t be surprised.”

“Or maybe it’s a sign that more change is to come. Perhaps it’s good news.”

Kamui looked far from convinced, but he shook his head slightly and replied, “If nothing else, I’m glad we can do this. Together.”

“As am I.” He smiled warmly then blinked as he refocused on their surroundings. They’d reached a small grove, verdant and pure—he could sense the spiritual energy herein. Judging by Kamui’s gaping expression, he hadn’t been paying attention to their journey much either.

“Shall we set up camp?” he asked. They were unlikely to find a better spot than this. Kamui gave a tentative nod as he took the grove in.

The sanctity of the area could be felt in the air itself; heavy and majestic, it reminded Subaru very much of his outings with his grandmother in the woods surrounding his childhood home. The difference was that there it had been a spiritual space maintained by humans and as such had a certain structure that bespoke of generations tending the land so it might flourish just so. Here, everything grew as it desired. The brush was so thick it was a little difficult to maneuver; Subaru cautioned Kamui to keep an eye out for snakes. The stream rippled by merrily, filling the grove with cheery music, but there was just a touch of chaos, discordant in its attempt at harmony for there were birds dashing downwards to snag unsuspecting worms, scampering feet of a mouse fleeing as a hawk followed suit, and a spider wrapped its victim in a tight cocoon. No, the natural world wasn’t kind or cruel; it was strange and stark and balanced. The Dragons of Earth had never fought for peace; they’d simply wanted to remove any meddling from a finely tuned instrument in the form of mankind.

This area would serve well for Subaru’s intended purpose: it would absolutely cleanse him and it would be as harsh as the word entailed.

“Is this the spot then?” Kamui asked, looking uneasily at their surroundings.

“Do you have an objection to it?” He set his supplies down and eyed the miniature waterfall. He should be all right sitting beneath it, he determined. It had a solid foothold.

“It’s just so… loud,” Kamui admitted. “I thought you would need a quieter place to focus.”

“Mm, this is as quiet as a forest gets,” Subaru pointed out with faint amusement. “Trust me, it will work. Once we’ve both undergone the ritual, I can move on to summoning a spirit.”

He moved with haste, eager to finish this one task so he could move on to the more urgent one. Kamui assisted him with setting up camp, though Subaru was privately hopeful they wouldn’t be there long enough to need it. The sun had just reached its zenith, so they had plenty of time left to them.

Once they’d finished that, Subaru divested himself of his outer garments and approached the waterfall, carefully maneuvering himself so he didn’t slip on one of the stone outcroppings. Kamui maintained a respectful distance with his gaze averted, the barest hint of pink on his cheeks. Well, Subaru supposed he would have had a similar reaction in his place. Still, he said nothing, so Subaru sat in a meditative stance and closed his eyes with a deep breath. Everything slowed down as he did so and the volume of his surroundings increased. He felt the icy chill of the stream’s water as it broke over his head, ceaseless in its persistence to keep on moving. As his breath deepened still, his focus turned inwards. He forced the muscles in his body to relax despite the hard rock, the cold water, and gradually the sound around him dimmed until all he could hear was his own heartbeat.

It had taken several years’ worth of training to achieve this state so swiftly. Now was when the purification could really start; it was a matter of acknowledging and letting go.

Subaru had not meditated in years.

At first, it was just as he remembered: peaceful and calm. But then he felt a prickling at his subconscious, a sense of something  _ not quite right.  _ He reached out for it, curious at what he might find. Purification was always harsh, even if meditation wasn’t, and he knew that sensation was precisely what he needed to chase after if he wanted to complete the ritual.

He wandered for a bit, following that sense of wrongness, the darkness growing ever darker as he did so. He was beginning to lose his sense of time, which meant he had delved quite deep into his own subconscious.

He wasn’t surprised at what he found: images of his sister’s bleeding body joined now by Seishirou-san’s. Memories of these two had held him back for years, but if he was to help Kamui, he had to face them.

He felt a prickle behind his left eye and winced. Even now, Seishirou-san had an opinion. He lurched forward as he clutched at the eye. He knew it was all merely a symbolic representation of his own thoughts and fears, but that knowledge did nothing to cease the throbbing in his ( _ Seishirou-san’s _ ) eye, nor did it remove the blood seeping into his clothes. 

His sister’s deadened eyes turned to face him and with a warm, wheezing breath she gasped, “You have to let us go, Subaru.”

“Sister,” he murmured.

“You never called me that before.”

No, they’d always been more informal, hadn’t they? Subaru couldn’t bring himself to speak her name anymore, however. It was too sacred.

“Oh, he doesn’t have to change,” Seishirou-san’s corpse piped up. “He’s always been his cutest like this.”

Subaru frowned and turned away, his eye hurting all the more. It seemed he still wasn’t sure what to say to him, even like this. Shouldn’t he be able to form the words? Ask him a question? Demand to know if he’d told the truth back then?

But he wasn’t even real! What did it matter if he asked? If it was real or not? Seishirou-san was… He was always what Subaru walked toward.

_ But he can’t be if I’m going to do this.  _ He clutched at his throbbing eye and tried to sift through the whirlwind of emotion he was currently engulfed in. Meditation was about analyzing and letting go, purification was about cutting off the rotting limb. It was...

“Subaru…”

“Subaru-kun—“

“Quiet, both of you,” Subaru interjected. “Please.”

Everything hurt. This was why he’d been so reluctant to embark on this plan to begin with and why Kamui’s concerns were so justified. As awful as it was, he didn’t  _ want  _ to move on from this. It was his pain to bear, his one constant in nine years of loneliness and isolation.

But then he felt a warm touch on his hand. He didn’t see anyone, which meant it was an outside source.

“It’s all right,” Kamui’s voice filtered through. “It’s going to be all right, Subaru.”

His sister looked surprised, but then her bloodless lips smiled as though delighted. Seishirou-san looked like he’d swallowed a lemon.

Subaru let out a deep, weary sigh. Maybe there were some who would call this progress. He could face their memory now. But the fact of the matter was that he still couldn’t let either of them go. All he could do was set them aside like some forlorn toy he had too much nostalgia for to throw away.

He waved the two corpses away and returned to clearing his thoughts. He could just barely make out Kamui’s voice, still whispering assurances. He centered himself once more and looked inwards. This time, there was nothing. It was silent, still (lonely), and it was as close to purification as Subaru could come.

When he came to his senses felt sharper and his chest a little lighter. It wasn’t as potent as when he’d actually been able to let things go, but it was something. It took him a moment to realize Kamui was at his side, utterly soaked from the rushing water, his eyes beacons of worry.

“What is it?” Subaru murmured, reaching out for his cheek. “You’re freezing.”

“It’s been hours,” he replied urgently. “And you’re…” He wiped a thumb under his eye and Subaru startled to realize he was crying. “Are you all right?” Kamui finished desperately.

“I think so.” He wasn’t really sure. He hadn’t quite accomplished what he’d set out to do, but it was a step in the right direction. He nearly snorted with laughter. Letting Seishirou-san and his sister go was the right direction? Hadn’t he spent the last nine years thinking anything but?

He kept a hysterical laugh down through sheer force of will; Kamui already looked worried enough. “Purification always brings forth dormant emotions; it’s taxing,” he explained after taking a deep breath. Kamui nodded.

That’s when it occurred to him. “You might deal with some unpleasantness, Kamui.”  _ Not just some, but a lot. _

“Just teach me what to do. I can take it from there.”

It was far from ideal—Kamui was already soaked—but it would have to do. He helped get him situated and explained the process. Kamui looked far from confident as he closed his eyes—it was dawning on Subaru that no one had ever taken the time to even teach this much to Kamui and the Dragons of Heaven’s failure was all the starker for it—but he seemed to be a natural as his expression soon cleared. Subaru could sense that his attention was pointed inwards now, unaware of anything happening in the physical world

He wondered what it would be that faced Kamui in this state of purification.

_ Likely the other Kamui. Perhaps the woman he loved,  _ he mused. It would be a strenuous ordeal; these were fresh wounds for him. He wondered if he made the right choice in asking Kamui to be his tether, not that he could have asked anyone else.

Suddenly, as if in response to Subaru’s worries, Kamui tensed up, inhaling sharply at whatever visage was before him.

“It’s just your mind,” he murmured softly, grasping his hand in his. Kamui had done this for him and he would return the favor.

It didn’t seem to help much. Kamui remained stiff with his jaw clenched tightly. His hand trembled slightly in his own, but Subaru couldn’t interrupt; all he could do was offer comfort as best as he could until the ritual was over.

He whispered reassurances until Kamui’s breath began to calm; his eyes opened, but he appeared disoriented and Subaru felt a genuine spike of concern at that. If all had gone well, Kamui should feel better by now, not worse.

“Is… is that really what it’s supposed to be like?” he whispered. “It was… it felt so real!”

Subaru hesitated. It was terribly rude to ask, but if something had gone awry… He remembered the first time he’d undergone this ritual. His grandmother had been there to guide him and while it had been difficult, he’d been young. He’d had very little to regret outside of accidentally breaking his sister’s favorite doll.

Eventually, practicality won out over decorum and he asked.

“I saw Princess Hinoto,” he said, confusion etched in every word. “She asked me ‘Why are you still alive?’”

That wasn’t at all what he’d expected to hear. “You heard from Princess Hinoto?” he echoed, desperate to make sure this was accurate and not… well, he wasn’t sure what. At Kamui’s nod, he was forced to consider that rather than undergoing purification, Kamui had touched on… what, exactly? His abilities as  _ the _ Kamui?

“Let’s get you out of this water,” he decided. “And then you can tell me what else she said.”

He helped Kamui stand and maneuvered him out of the waterfall as he considered his response. Luckily, Subaru had thought to bring towels and they were soon as dry as could be hoped for and fully dressed once more. They sat in their makeshift campsite and Kamui finally began.

“She said I should come back to Tokyo,” he began. “That the prophecy isn’t fulfilled.” At that he glanced at Subaru wryly. “I suppose that much is true.”

“Yes,” Subaru replied, feeling decidedly unnerved. “Was there anything else?” Because this couldn’t be a mere representation of Kamui’s own fears; it was far too relevant to actual events, which meant he’d actually been contacted by Princess Hinoto. And for that to be the case…

“She didn’t,” Kamui said, sounding perplexed. “What’s wrong? It makes sense, doesn’t it? I feel like I need to fix things and she was always the one telling me that. So, I saw her saying the same thing I feel.”

“No,” Subaru said distractedly. “That doesn’t sound right. I wonder… She must be alive.” It was surprising—shocking, in fact—but not beyond the realm of possibility. If it  _ was  _ true, they would need to hasten back to Tokyo, but something nagged at him. It didn’t feel right, and Tokyo was far from safe.

“You mean, that wasn’t a-a manifestation of my mind? Or something?”

“I don’t think so.” It was perplexing, to be sure, but unlikely to be a vision. Rather than look reassured, Kamui appeared distressed.

“What’s wrong?” he demanded. He’d thought news of any of the Dragons of Heaven surviving would calm him, not upset him further.

“Princess Hinoto was different. Before things … changed with Fuuma, before the battle, Sorata and I were investigating her.”

Subaru’s eyes widened in shock. Surely he didn’t mean…

“We suspected she had betrayed us,” he confirmed grimly. “It was the only thing that made sense. You were sent without any backup, Arashi disappeared, and everything… Nothing made  _ sense.  _ Why were we always one step behind the Dragons of Earth?”

“I admit, I had wondered the same…” he admitted faintly. Princess Hinoto was a traitor? It seemed utterly preposterous, but Kamui wasn’t joking. He was too firm in his convictions to be doing so. 

“Kamui, if what you’re telling me is true, Princess Hinoto purposefully interfered with the prophecy. But no, she isn’t the Kamui, so that would be for naught,” he murmured to himself, “and she would know that. But she did try to affect it by influencing you.”

“When I first spoke with her, she was steadfast that one future had to happen. It was always black-and-white with her and… I never really liked that, but I figured that was destiny. She was just the messenger.” He sounded bitter. “But she  _ was _ trying to save humans, I’m certain about that. Something happened later on… I don’t know. Maybe she changed her mind.”

“Maybe,” he allowed. “What now? Will you return to Tokyo?”

Kamui stood shakily, his weapon in hand. “No, I will not.”

The day was proving to be filled with surprises. “Then what will you do?”

“Don’t you see?” Kamui demanded. “Those eyes I’ve felt on me must be hers. She’s trying to manipulate me even now.”

“But to what end?” Subaru’s mind was spinning with this newfound knowledge. “Frankly, she has nothing to gain.”

“I don’t know,” he replied heatedly. “But I don’t trust her. We’re better off on our own, seeking out survivors without her ‘aid.’”

It was strange to hear Kamui speak of someone so bitterly. He hadn’t even done this with the other Kamui, who most people would agree probably deserved some righteous anger. Just what had happened within the Dragons of Heaven’s ranks after he’d left? He’d known things were bad, but this vastly surpassed anything he’d imagined. It meant … it meant he’d been set up with Seishirou-san. They’d  _ all  _ been set up.

Something ugly twisted inside of him, something he’d hoped not to experience ever again.

Perhaps there was someone else to blame for Seishirou-san’s death outside of himself and the man in question and there was nothing he could do about it because…

Because it was utterly pointless. It would fix nothing to confront her now except possibly the gaping hole where his sense of peace used to be.

It was disturbing how much he wanted to go back to Tokyo for that reason alone. Vengeance… Seishirou-san had said he’d always been too kind to ever want to harm anyone. He wondered at that.

“I think you may be correct,” he finally said to Kamui who was studying his sword with an intensity that suggested he was having similar thoughts about Princess Hinoto. “For now, I will conduct the ceremony.”

“I’m not sure I feel any more enlightened than I did when we first left,” Kamui murmured. “I don’t think I’ll be a good tether.”

“I’m not sure either of us will reach peak enlightenment right now,” Subaru replied tiredly. “But if we aren’t going to Tokyo, we need to continue with our original plan.”

“Finding survivors.” Kamui closed his eyes, then gave a tight nod as he opened them. “You’re right.”

From there it was simple. He set up several ofuda about the trees in the shape of a pentagram with himself and Kamui in the center. He was seated as if he were about to meditate once again. He had Kamui seated across from him. He was staring right at him, eyes large and contemplative. Subaru tried not to think about how the only person to ever be his tether previously had had green eyes and was more prone to smiling and that having Kamui in her place was both painful and somehow completely right.

“Your job is simple,” Subaru began. “At least, it should be for someone of your capabilities.”

“I never learned to set up a kekkai,” Kamui reminded, as if Subaru had ever forgotten.

“No, but you are familiar with energy manipulation. Even if you can’t form it any longer, you should be able to sense it.” At that, Kamui nodded. “If you sense my energy getting… disorderly, push a bit of your own into the mix to set it right.”

“I… don’t think I know how to do that,” Kamui replied, looking alarmed. “I never used my powers to help anyone like that, I just…” He glanced away, uncomfortable.

“What did you do?”

“Mostly I sowed chaos,” he admitted reluctantly. He was gripping his shoulder in a defensive posture. “Attacked people, property damage, you know…”

“Mm, you were a bit of a juvenile delinquent,” Subaru replied with a fond grin. He’d heard about this from Arisugawa-san.

Kamui’s face flushed in horror. “I--I mean, yeah, but…”

“Well, here’s a chance to try your hand at something else.”

“This doesn’t seem like a good starting point,” Kamui muttered.

“No, it isn’t, but I trust you.”  _ And it’s not like we can do anything else,  _ he added to himself. “Here, try to push a bit of your energy against mine.” He raised his hand. Kamui stared at it as if it were a live snake.

“You’ll do fine,” he said gently. “Just envision a much milder form of what you used to do.”

Hesitantly, Kamui raised his hand and rested it against Subaru’s own. He grinned a moment later. “I  _ can  _ feel your energy.”

“You see? Now give a little push of your own.”

Kamui’s brow furrowed in concentration and soon Subaru felt a nudge, a bit of Kamui’s own essence, pressed against his palm. With it came faint traces of his emotions and a hint of his power, that enormous font he’d never fully tapped into. It felt so different from Subaru’s own.

“Very good,” he whispered. Suddenly, sound seemed intrusive. This was a private moment. “Now, if my energy shifts from how it feels right now, push some of your own against it, just like this. That should remind me of where I am and help me come back to myself. Understand?”

He nodded, and reluctantly pulled his hand away. “Be careful.”

“I will. With any luck, we’ll find a friendly spirit and have our directions posthaste.” 

“Subaru?”

“Yes?”

“Thank you.”

Subaru tilted his head slightly, bemused. “It’s what we agreed on already.”

“No, for… trusting me with this.” He stared at him earnestly. “I won’t let you down.”

He nodded, still puzzled. “I know you won’t.”

With that, he settled himself into a proper sitting position, full lotus, and closed his eyes.

When he opened them--metaphorically this time--he was met with chaos. His mouth formed into a comical “oh.”

There were spirits everywhere, buzzing about, lost, lonely, angry, confused. The sheer force of their emotions threatened to overwhelm him.

_ This may be more challenging than I implied,  _ he thought faintly. He stood with difficulty. It had been some time since he’d done proper spirit work, but he hadn’t been attacked yet, and that was a good sign. He summoned his shiki to him; he was going to need the extra help in sorting through this mess. It blinked down at him, humming with sorrow.

“I know,” he whispered. “Things aren’t going so well, are they?”

He took a step forward and began the search.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot happening in this chapter and it easily could have been twice this length, but I decided to split it into two chapters to keep some consistency in chapter length. I hope to have the next installment up relatively quickly. I'm quite excited with where we're at in the plot right now. :D
> 
> Also, that news about the new _Tokyo Babylon_ anime was so unexpected! I wonder if this means we can have a little hope for _X/1999_ as well?

**Author's Note:**

> You can see more of my stuff/say hi on [Dreamwidth](https://bemused-writer.dreamwidth.org/) and [Tumblr](https://bemused-writer.tumblr.com/). (^^)


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